Merry Xmas from the Moose Droppings

 

May you be blessed with family and friends, the people who love you and those that you love. All the rest is bullshit.

Alibaba Recovers From Production Debacle

WUHAN, CHINA - Mr. Wang Hung Lo has been named Executive Vice President of Alibaba Group’s new facemask division. According to an Alibaba press release, Mr. Hung Lo not only saved the corporation from a huge production debacle, but he set a new corporate record for all time profit gouging from unsuspecting westerners. Mr. Hung Lo will transfer over from his former duties as a manufacturing assistant at the Alibaba jockstrap division.

Wang Hung Lo’s storied rise to acclaim happened last year, after Mr. Hung Tzu Loos, president of the jockstrap division, ordered 10 billion units to be produced in pink. Tzu Loos wanted to exploit the west’s fascination with breast cancer, and decided to include the pink concept with the corporation’s jockstrap offerings. The program was a dismal failure, and nearly bankrupted the division.

Mr. Hung Lo, however, noticed an opportunity when he discovered that the corporation’s jockstraps, which were sized for the average asian male, were the same size as a competitor’s face masks made specifically for the overweight American and European markets. Mr. Hung Lo collaborated with the Alibaba infectious disease division to create a new heinous, rampant and novel mystery disease, and after a brief but effective marketing campaign the American and European markets were duped into making face masks mandatory.  

Not only did Mr. Hung Lo sell the 10 billion units, but he managed to sell them for $3US apiece, a huge increase over their former 5 cent US selling price. Additionally, Mr. Hung Lo created whole new product lines, by introducing other designer colors and by placing designer animals and phrases upon the jockstraps / face masks. To date, an additional 100 billion units have been ordered world wide. The genius of Mr. Hung Lo cannot be overstated, as now 93% of all Chinese production has been dedicated to useless and ineffective designer face mask production, making Mr. Hung Lo a true titan in the business world, rivaling Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for corporate influence.

Jagged Needle Tattoo & Piercing December Pin-Up

Our Christmas Calendar Girl this year is Red Death. Red Death self identifies as an angry tri-sexual trans-spider monkey. Red Death is fresh out of its 14 hour rehab stint, is off parole, and says it is asymptomatic after its free clinic treatments. Red Death will be working the back room at Jagged Needle all December, so come by and see her for a special happy ending, free with all of our services. Just a little Christmas extra from all of us at Jagged Needle for all of our loyal customers.

Man Gets Finger Stuck in Ear

OLD TOWN, ID - Police and emergency personnel were dispatched last Wednesday to the Jagged Needle tattoo parlor in Old Town. Local tattoo artist Inkspot was working on a “rad new design” on the top of the skull of one of his customers, when he paused to scratch the side of his head. As he was attending to the itch, his middle finger accidentally slipped inside of his ear gauge and became lodged.

EMTs were forced to strap Inkspot to a gurney and stabilize his neck in an attempt to remove the stuck digit from the hole in Inkspot’s ear lobe. At first Inkspot’s finger and ear were liberally doused with gear oil, but the finger was too thoroughly wedged and his skin too greasy to allow the crew to achieve separation. A sheriff’s deputy resolved the situation by grabbing Inkspot’s nose, and ripping the finger through what was left of the bottom of his ear lobe.

EMTs then attended to Inkspot’s customer, who declined to be named. Apparently the sticking of the finger had caused Inkspot’s head to become unbalanced, allowing the tattoo needle to drift off its intended course, and permanently disfigure the “rad new design”. When Inkspot first attempted to yank his finger out, his initial tug accidentally forced the tattoo needle to imbed itself into his customer’s cranium. 

EMTs successfully removed the stuck needle by having two men sit on top of the customer, while a third EMT grabbed onto the needle, put his feet on the customer’s shoulders for leverage, and pulled like hell. Unfortunately, the needle was activated during the removal process, causing even more disfigurement to the “rad new design”. A civil lawsuit is expected to be filed against Jagged Needle, the sheriff’s department and EMTs. Damages are expected to be awarded in the tens of dollars.

Congrats President Elect? Biden, by Angus Mooney

 

So, okay, yeah, congratulations President Elect Biden! With that said, the Moose Droppings is going to need some help from the Democrat/Liberal/Great Reset victors:

1. Can we borrow the "#NotMyPresident" hashtag, or is that reserved only for Trump?

2. Do we have to accept the election results or can we cry for four years claiming election interference?

3. Are we entitled to see Biden’s tax returns to learn how his income jumped dramatically in one year?

4. Are we allowed to trash anything that Biden says without repercussion because we're just expressing ourselves?

5. Is there a sign-up somewhere for riots or do organizers call us or how does that work since we didn’t get our way?

6. Are businesses targeted because they supported Biden, or do we just pick a business that has something we want to take home?

7. Were the thousands of businesses that boarded up for fear of riots for conservatives or liberals? If they were for conservatives, did we miss the riots already???

8. Where are the safe spaces at? Is there a map or something? We may need to go cry for a little while (because of how stupid our country has become)

9. Does all the free stuff your party has promised just come, or do we have to quit our jobs first?

10. What is the address you guys have been sending all that extra tax money to since you think people aren’t paying enough in taxes? I’m sure you have been voluntarily sending in more than required....

11. When our 401Ks crash, will the President make up for that in give-a-ways or are we just screwed?

12. Since Socialism is what you just voted in, if our neighbors have something we want do we just take it or do we have to let them know we’re taking it?

13. When gas gets unaffordable after Biden fulfills his campaign promise of shutting down the oil industry, will there be an EBT card for that?

14. We have seen the gatherings of conservatives protesting the election results, but something is wrong, nothing is getting destroyed. Did you guys go to a class for that or could you provide some pointers on how to do it right please?

15. The conservative gatherings were dubbed super spreader events yet the protests, and now election gatherings by liberals are not. Did you guys secretly come out with the vaccine?

16. Funny how CDC has come up with a vaccine soon after you were pronounced the president elect. Can you and all your family and colleagues take it first to ensure it works?

17. So now you are President elect is every death now on you, or is Trump responsibility just at your convenience?

Sorry for all the questions, this is all new to us. We want to make sure we get it right!

Something Smart: Dalai Lama

 

No matter how the American election turns out, half of the populace will feel they were cheated. Same same if it goes to their Supreme Court.

Moose on the Street: Is Election Fraud a Real Thing?

You betcha, Dewey didn’t win, the mainstream media is lying! Homer, 94 year old retired farmer.

I, like, should have won homecoming queen and stuff. I was cheated. Madison, High School Senior

Bud Light Cheated, no way they won the Bud Bowl. Otis Inman, town sot

My guy won this time, so obviously there was no fraud like last time when that dick Trump won by cheating with Russia. Moon Child, Trust Fund Baby

I saw a statistical analysis and would have read it, but no one said there would be a math test this year. Karen, Average American Voter.

Extreme Makeover: Bonner Mall

 

PONDERAY, ID - With the emminent closing of J.C. Penney, local citizenry have been fretting over the future of the Bonner Mall. Fear not people of Bonner County, the Mall is slated for an Extreme Makeover! Management has been developing a new theme for the old mall, and basing it on the model of its major anchor, Dollar Tree. For those that haven’t noticed, Harbor Freight renovated the old Sears space, and had a Black Friday Grand Opening.

Management was unsure of what to do with the Penney’s space, but negotiations have begun with Bonner General Hospital and the Panhandle Health District to turn it into a Covid-19 isolation ward. The Penney’s space is expected to be able to house the expected 2,992 new cases that both health agencies are awaiting to show symptoms, which they fear were contracted by attendees of the Demolition Derby who blatantly eschewed social distancing and mask mandates for cheap entertainment and expensive beer. 

On the small chance that the Silent Killer was not contracted by the derby attendees, the City of Sandpoint has agreed to take over the space to use as the Ministry of Truth and Propaganda’s Restorative Justice and Reeducation camp. The Ministry of Peace and Retribution has been rounding up suspected and convicted violators of the Love Lives Here campaign, and local detention centers are overflowing, making the Penney’s site very attractive. 

As for the rest of the internal empty spaces, Mall management has stated that it is in negotiations to lease space to the Used Food Store, a tattoo and body piercing enterprise, a yoga studio, as well as a senior citizen’s activity center. Additionally, management was excited to announce that a new bar will be opening up soon, right next to the Department of Motor Vehicles office just like before! Extreme Makeover indeed! Job well done.

Mueller Looking Forward to New Election Tampering Investigation

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having been unemployed since wrapping up the 2016 Trump Election Collusion Investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller is eagerly awaiting congress to start the 2020 Election Investigation involving voter fraud allegations. Assuming that congress would want to appear fair and impartial, and not seem like the Trump investigation was just a witch hunt, Mr. Mueller held a press conference announcing his ability to start working immediately.

Mr. Mueller stated that “Surely congress will want to get to the bottom of this issue, you know, to be fair and all. In 2016 they turned me loose with a blank check to look into some seriously he said / she said types of allegations, and now they have all of these affidavits, video evidence, statistical analyses, and acknowledge that at the minimum some fraud did occur, but that it probably wasn’t enough to be meaningful.

“I feel I have so much more to work with this go-around, and that I should be able to drag this out for at least three years, spend closer to 100 million dollars, and that I can even generate a conviction that will be related to the actual original allegations. Besides, I have a third vacation home that I need to pay for, and have been eyeing a first generation corvette that is coming up in next year’s Barrett Jackson auction.”

BNSF Looking for New Labor Force

BONNER COUNTY, ID - BNSF railroad is looking to import workers to build the new bridge across Lake Pend Oreille. Company representatives have been conducting an exhaustive search, but so far have come up empty. Various world-wide trends have hampered the search, and are threatening to delay construction.

An anonymous company source stated “We are entering the dangerous winter-time phases of construction, and prefer to use off-the-books, foreign labor, so as to not have to worry about OSHA or life insurance payouts. Foreign labor was the right choice for us in the 1800’s, and it remains so today. As a result, BNSF is now actively recruiting an Exploitation Manager to seek out a suitable foreign country whose citizens are willing to risk death for $1 a day.” The source listed their attempts to outsource labor, and the roadblocks that BNSF has encountered:

Africanians: Predominately black, their lives matter too much

Chinkanese: Corona, Covid, Wuhan Flu, Opium now illegal

Indians (Dot): Management can’t stand the smell of curry

Indians (Feather): They have casinos, no longer willing to die for BNSF

Koreans: Not sure which half is Best Korea, unwilling to chance it

Mehicans: All available already in Bonners Ferry picking hops

Paddys: Still too drunk

Pollocks: Too busy changing light bulbs

Russians: No time for a three year congressional investigation

Samoans: Can’t afford to feed them

Swedes: Too much risk of getting an Islamic terrorist

Ukranians: Can’t afford the kickbacks to Biden and Pelosi

Wops: Loss of Columbus Day hampering recruitment, National Origins Act still enforced