7B Wire - Feeling left out, unnoticed,
and irrelevent in the media spotlight, the Forest Service has decided
to do its part for the national COVID-19 reponse.
The Panhandle District recently closed
all of its improved lands to prevent the spread of the deadly
disease, which has infected three people in Bonner County, all of
whom were sent home to rest and recover.
At a press conference, local Ranger
spokesman Karen Hysteria made the following statement: “I was at
Green Bay last week and noticed that someone had foolishly decided to
go camping. I asked and they said they were spending the night and
leaving the next day. Can you imagine the potential for spread if
another person had decided to also camp at Green Bay at the same
time, and had set up camp on the other side of the campground a
quarter mile away? Two people at the same campground? We felt we had
no choice but to do our part to keep the country safe from the
coronavirus, so we closed the forest.”
When asked about closing the various
hiking trailheads, Hysteria explained the numbers. “The Panhandle
District manages only 300,000 acres of forest. With 6-foot social
distancing requirements, that would only allow a theoretical
population density of 1,200 people per acre. When you figure in
rivers and rocks and stuff, that number drops dramatically to, like,
500 per acre. With a safe usage capacity of only 150,000,000 people
at any one given time, we felt that we had no choice but to act in
the manner we did to protect Americans from the coronavirus.”
“We
are asking the media everywhere to carry this message, so that all
Americans will see us and know that the USFS is doing its part at
this time of crisis," Hysteria continued. "Please like us
on Facebook, and visit our SnappyGram and InstaChat pages for more
updates from your friends at the USFS."
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