PONDERAY, ID - With the emminent closing of J.C. Penney, local citizenry have been fretting over the future of the Bonner Mall. Fear not people of Bonner County, the Mall is slated for an Extreme Makeover! Management has been developing a new theme for the old mall, and basing it on the model of its major anchor, Dollar Tree. For those that haven’t noticed, Harbor Freight renovated the old Sears space, and had a Black Friday Grand Opening.
Management was unsure of what to do with the Penney’s space, but negotiations have begun with Bonner General Hospital and the Panhandle Health District to turn it into a Covid-19 isolation ward. The Penney’s space is expected to be able to house the expected 2,992 new cases that both health agencies are awaiting to show symptoms, which they fear were contracted by attendees of the Demolition Derby who blatantly eschewed social distancing and mask mandates for cheap entertainment and expensive beer.
On the small chance that the Silent Killer was not contracted by the derby attendees, the City of Sandpoint has agreed to take over the space to use as the Ministry of Truth and Propaganda’s Restorative Justice and Reeducation camp. The Ministry of Peace and Retribution has been rounding up suspected and convicted violators of the Love Lives Here campaign, and local detention centers are overflowing, making the Penney’s site very attractive.
As for the rest of the internal empty spaces, Mall management has stated that it is in negotiations to lease space to the Used Food Store, a tattoo and body piercing enterprise, a yoga studio, as well as a senior citizen’s activity center. Additionally, management was excited to announce that a new bar will be opening up soon, right next to the Department of Motor Vehicles office just like before! Extreme Makeover indeed! Job well done.
No comments:
Post a Comment