Moose on the Street: What’s Your Opinion On the Guns at the Festival Thing?

 Guns are icky scary. Every one that even owns a gun should be banned. Cops too. Moon Child, California Trust Fund Baby

I’d like to thank the county for trying to ruin the festival. I hate all that noise at night, as I’m in bed by 8. Homer, 93 year old Retiree

It’s been such a huge problem in the past, with all the assaults and murders, Wait, whoops, don’t print that. Why would they want law abiding citizens freely and responsibly exercising their rights? Freedom? Igor Lenin, DSA Candidate for Sheriff

If they win, can my Dad like start bringing his gun to High School stuff there? Madison, High School Student?

Private property rights should be fully respected, unless I want to use the place. Bubba, 2nd Amendment Professional Shit Disturber from Utah

How to Effectively Argue, Part 3

 

This is the third article in an eight part series that is intended to help our readership understand and engage in modern logic and debate techniques

So far the Moose Droppings has tackled the issues of racism and misogyny. This week we take a gander at the most vulnerable group in society, our children. What reader of this fine newspaper wouldn’t want to do anything and everything to ensure the health and safety of our county’s children?

Continuing with last issue’s analogy, let’s assume that Larry Irate has written another op-ed condemning the NRA for enabling mass shooters with its unrelenting promotion of the ownership of assault rifles, and that the NRA should be disbanded and all of its members sent to reeducation camps. Further, no one needs an AK15 with clipazines for duck hunting, except maybe the police and military, because they are the only trained duck hunters in the country.

One could respond once again with the scholarly history of the 2nd amendment, explain the supreme court’s rulings, detail how police use these modern tools for defensive purposes just as law abiding citizens do, and elaborate on the concepts of individual intent, personal responsibility, and freedom. However, a more effective argument can be made as follows:

First explain that actual mass shooting deaths are extremely low and rare as compared to all other murders, regardless of method. Further explain that even more children perish from drownings, and especially from automobile related fatalities. Then demand that Mr. Irate relinquish all swimming pools, usage of any bodies of water of any kind, and most importantly turn in his murderous vehicle of mass destruction. 

Lastly, and even more importantly, in all caps type IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN, IF IT ONLY SAVE ONE LIFE…… Infalible emotional pleas such as these will always trump reason and logic, and if Mr. Irate truly cared about the children and doing the most good, he would comply with these common sense first steps.

Bonner Boogie Showcase: Business Opportunity

 Bonner Boogie Showcase

Unique Business Opportunity!

Invest in this turnkey operation, and become the owner of this Used Furniture and Used Tire Emporium. This business consistently makes yearly receipts in the hundreds of dollars. All books are up to date as of 1998 and are available for review. Lots of capital improvements have been made in the last two years, including a fresh application of RoundUp!  Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Offered at only $625,000.

Opinion: No Festival Protest Show?

 

As the Festival gears down for the 2020 season, the Moose Droppings is distraught over the cancelling of the show. The Gun Protest Show that is. Since we assume that no one will be showing up to protest now, we would like to encourage both sides to reconsider, and display their true passion for the issue, by holding protests at Memorial Field regardless. Also, the Moose Droppings would like to offer some suggestions to both sides, in the name of professionalism.

For the pro-gunners, consider showing up without your gats in full display, open carry style. Try wearing your Sunday best too. Do you really believe that your cause needs more of a Bubba image than the media already portrays? Attention whoring can be fun and all, but maybe a professional look would be more appropriate. As my Dad used to say, if you don’t want to be treated like a dumbass, then don’t dress like one.

As a novel concept, try protesting the artists that demand gun free performance zones instead of the Festival itself. How about a nice sign depicting the economic loss an artist would have suffered from your lost attendance. 

For the anti-gunners, consider making your case by detailing all the violence that your friends and neighbors have caused at the Festival over the last 37 years. Waiting, waiting, waiting…., sound of crickets chirping. How about this challenge then, employ some sort of tactic other than “If it saves just one life…” or anything else out of Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals. Mass hysteria makes you look, hysterical and all. 

If you choose to carry open or concealed we really don’t care, but The Moose Droppings would like to offer the following pro tip. Sitting in a mini lawn chair, such as at the Festival were it happening, with your pistol digging into your side for a few hours really sucks. Try it out during a protest and see if you can make it work. If you can do it without squirming around like you have an itchy social disease, then go for it. If you can’t, then don’t be a dick and leave your roscoe at home.

For those of you that are apt to scream hysterically at the sight of a gun and call for a full SWAT takedown, please stay home in your Safe Space. Somehow you manage to get through normal life in Bonner County without pulling this stunt ten times a day, and just like the camo clad Bubbas you seem to hate and fear so much, the rest of us consider you to be an attention whore as well. 

A better thought might be for both sides to come together and protest the County Commissioners for starting a pissing match whose sole benefit was a devastating economic loss to the county, right when we needed it the most. Maybe protest the city for the timely switch to artificial turf, which placed even more strain and uncertainty on the Festival. We know the Festival said something about the Corona, but that was the Festival probably just being polite.

On second thought, maybe we can all just enjoy the festival next year without any dramatics. Maybe mingle with our neighbors, armed or not. Maybe say ‘Hi’ to a friend, or make a new acquaintance or two. Maybe, and here is a novel thought, for a few hours we can all just be music lovers, who are looking to have some dinner, dessert, watch a cool show, and support our community. Leave your biases at home, and try having some fun and enjoying the moment.

North Idaho Fashion Show Coming to the Fair

BONNER COUNTY, ID - The first ever North Idaho Fashion Show will be happening at the Bonner County Fair this year. Fashion designers from all over the region, both corporate and home based, will be able to show off their ideas, and consumers can view the latest fashion trends for the North Idaho lifestyle.

Featured this year will be the Crazy Tie Dyer’s new islamic collection, complete with tie-dyed burqas, hijabs, niqabs, shemaghs and beheading robes. Crazy Tie Dye, in a recent press release, said that they want to get ahead of the coming diversity curve being pushed in North Idaho, and celebrate social justicing with a fun new collection.

Idaho Tent and Awning will be showing off its new Mass Merchandiser Mumu collection. Designed for the active mobility scooter shopper, these Mumus feature extra wide skirting for a free air flow effect over even the largest of skin surfaces. A new line of designer tees, sized XXL-XXXXL is also being introduced. Colors include blue tarp, green tarp, brown tarp, and silver tarp.

The final featured designer is Ezekiel G, who will be introducing his new Mormonite Bridal collection. Menonite wedding dresses, Amish bridesmaid dresses, and Mormon temple wear are combined to offer the best features of each for practical wedding fashions at reasonable prices for the modern religious family. All of Ezekiel G’s fashions are hand sewn by local retirees at the Trembling Acres nursing home, ensuring a Wuhan free wedding experience.

Something Smart: George Carlin

 

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups” George Carlin, comedian

Woman to Relive Festival Through Phone

SANDPOINT, ID - With the Festival at Sandpoint cancelled this year due to the County Commissioner’s lawsuit, the CIty’s astroturfing Memorial Field, and the Cornbirus, take your pick, one local woman has found a solution. Suzy Cellphonia has been attending the Festival ever since she first bought her first Iphone, and plans on reliving all her past concert experiences with friends and family this August.

Ms. Cellphonia stated “Like, I had this new phone and stuff so I, like, wanted to put stuff on my SnappyGram page, but there’s, like nothing to do here so I like, started to go to the Festival and stuff. So I like, videoed every show and stuff, and then put them on SnappyGram because like, who wouldn’t want to watch my videos from the 200th row with blurry unfocused video and crappy sound. Both of my followers think they are all like rad and stuff.

“And since I’m like looking at them again, they look like when I saw them at the Festival and stuff. I watched each show through a small screen, and it looks just like that now. You can even totally see the people that I was pissing off and stuff by holding up my, like Iphone up the whole time, blocking their views and shining the light in their eyes. You even get the full, like concert effect, by hearing people yell at me to put my, like, phone down and stuff and just enjoy the show and quit ruining their time. Fortunately, I’m like totally self-centered and stuff so I now have all this crappy video to look at and bore people with, so I’m like holding screenings and stuff for this year’s non-Festival.”

Bonner County Fair Preview

BONNER COUNTY, ID - Corona will not be hampering this year’s Bonner County Fair. In fact the Fair won’t be selling Corona at all. But rest assured that the other mainstays of Regular Coors, Diet Coors, and Mike’s Extra Hard Lemonade will be available to any and all with some sort of ID, including library cards. Get ready for some alcohol fueled fun at the fairgrounds!

In addition to all the interesting animal exhibits, the quilting contest will be on full display. The amateur photo and art displays will also provide other visual stimuli. While you are there, don’t forget to stop by the vegetable growing and baking contests too. There will be food for everyone, with Deep Fried Twinkies and Corndogs, along with Navajo Lard Tacos and Deep Fried Butter Sticks. All of the county’s organizations will be represented in the informational hall, and this year the Bonner County Democrats and the Jehovah’s Witnesses are spurring each other on with a contest to see which booth can attract ten visitors for the first time.

Finally, what would the Bonner County Fair be without the Demolition Derby. Come out and watch as Bonner County’s finest gearheads spend $5,000 and then compete for thirty minutes or more to make their entries look like their daily drivers. This year the Derby will be releasing random confused deer into the arena to help with the impacts and body damage. Don’t let the lack of rides keep you away, come out and experience the best of Bonner County at the Fair!

Library Rampaged By Angry Readers

SANDPOINT, ID - A horde of ones of unmasked readers, many carrying small children, barged into the library demanding their right to read books. The protestors, part of the newly formed Reader's Rights of North Idaho, wore matching t-shirts printed with the hashtag #Exempt and stated their refusal to participate in the "useless" trend of wearing a face mask, citing "the madness of crowds" and herd mentality. When asked what they were reading for, the group's spokesman responded with "So we don't have to work as waffle waitresses to make a living."

Area reader Larry 'Mad Dog' Fury said he was "doing his part" by not trying to hide from the silent monster known as Covid-19, referring to the concept of "survival of the fittest". "I'm a perfectly healthy individual," stated Irate. "If more people like me contracted the virus, felt poopy for a couple days, but in doing so developed antibodies to fight the virus we'd be seeing that old curve flattened much quicker." 

Mad Dog went on to state that the reason for the face mask mandate is only to further control of the people using fear and socially condemning tactics. In an effort to remain relevant and virtue signal, the library responded by closing access for everyone, because doing so might somehow save a life somewhere. For the children.

Moose on the Street: Now That It's Closed, What's Your Favorite Long Bridge Bar Memory?

Working the stripper pole on amateur night. Nancy, Retiree with Emphysema

The pool tournaments. I was, like, really popular and stuff with all the guys every time I went. Madison, High School Senior

They only cut me off when I ran out of money. Otis, Town Drunk

Friday night bar fights. Way better than driving to a casino for MMA. Jebediah, Degenerate Regular

Diversity. You could get anything to drink there. Amos, Otis’ Brother.

Issuing 7 DUI’s in one night, 5 to Inmans! Unnamed Sheriff’s Deputy

How to Effectively Argue, Part 2

This is the second article in an eight part series that is intended to help our readership understand and engage in modern logic and debate techniques

Last issue, the Moose Droppings explained how to effectively argue against racists. This issue, we take on Misogynists. For those who went through public school in Bonner County, the definition of Misogyny is the dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women. This term can therefore be used to make an effective argument.

As an example, say one Larry Irate writes an opinion piece that the founding fathers could not have envisioned the evil and destructive force that are assault rifles when they wrote the 2nd amendment to the constitution, and so these firearms should be banned outright and their owners locked up in reeducation camps. One could respond with a rational argument detailing the scholarly history of the 2nd amendment, explain the supreme court’s rulings, provide crime statistics demonstrating the rare usage of these modern sporting rifles in all types of crime, etc. 

However, the more effective argument can be made by calling Mr. Irate a MISOGYNIST (note the use of all caps) for referring to the ‘founding fathers’. Hammer him on his obvious bias against and hatred towards women, and chastise him for not accepting that behind every great man was an even greater woman, who obviously directed the men in what to do. Fight the Patriarchy!

Moonshine Mondays Coming to Clark Fork

CLARK FORK, ID - With the Tecate, er Corona virus forcing the closure of all restaurants earlier this year, Taco Tuesdays have simply never recovered. Local eateries have been forced to raise prices and cancel discounted food nights in an effort to remain open. As a result, county diners have been clamoring for a night to go out for a cheap meal and the ability to get hammered on festive cocktails.

The Clark Fork community has answered the call with its newly created Moonshine Mondays. Moonshine Mondays is an open invitation for residents, visitors and tourists to sample the best of Clark Fork. Locals will be selling their wares on front porches all throughout town, and a few may actually do some barbecuing and sell some food as well. In order to develop a Las Vegas type atmosphere, people will be encouraged to roam the streets, red plastic cups in hand, and stumble through town looking for their next tasty beverage. Bonners Ferry hops workers will be imported to hand out business cards that direct revelers to Clark Fork’s other mainstay profession.

Social distancing requirements will be strictly forgotten about, and masks will not be required, except for ugly people who drink too much and wake up after a night of rabid fornicating. Local law enforcement has sanctioned this event, as they need to start generating some serious revenue to make up for the Dos Equis, er Corona shortfall in issued citations and DUIs.

Bonner Boogie Showcase

Bonner Boogie Showcase

Luxury Off-Grid Cabin Living at its finest! This rustic cabin is located just hours away from the nearest conveniences of Bonner County. Reportedly once inhabited by the Unabomber’s Uncle, this cabin features renovated windows and a floorpan with stunning views from every room. Local wildlife can be seen so close, you’ll swear they are inside with you. Sale includes the vacated removal order from the Forest Service, and an easily rebuildable moonshine still for potential business income. Priced to sell at only $389,000. 

Opinion: My Body, My Choice?

The Moose Droppings has been noticing quite a bit of political hypocrisy going on, even more so than the normal amount regularly encountered. In the last few weeks, many politicians who traditionally favor pro choice and abortion rights have been tripping over themselves to order mask mandates and forcing medical decisions upon the citizenry they supposedly represent. This begs the questions, whatever happened to My Body, My Choice?

If one is to remain consistent in their philosophy regarding personal freedoms in health care decisions, then shouldn’t mask usage be optional? How can one reconcile the proposition that it is okay to terminate an unborn life and then require and enforce mandates for mask usage, because ineffective as they are it may ‘save a life, somewhere, somehow’?

If politicians have to ‘do something’, at least make mask usage dependent upon one’s current health risk factors and statistical probability for having a fatal reaction to the Covids. How is it that the biggest germ factories the world has ever known, infants and toddlers, are not required to wear masks while the rest of us have to?

The Moose Droppings would like to propose its own plan. Considering that the entire planet has either had the Coronas, have the Coronas, or will be catching the Coronas, how about if we let individuals decide if they would like to wear a mask or not. The Moose Droppings understands that their are those who have age and/or medical risk factors for whom mask usage makes sense. The Moose Droppings also understands that the rest of the population could give two farts of a Twinkie about the Covids, as they are statistically more likely to perish from drowning, even though they don’t own a pool or swim in a lake.

If My Choice, My Body is appropriate for one medical condition, then it is appropriate for all medical conditions. Each individual should be responsible for their own health, and society as a whole should not be enforcing mandates, especially feel-good, virtue signaling, wholly ineffectual ones. Our advice to the politicians who failed Intro to Logic: quit making the cures worse than the disease. You’ve done enough already.

Something Smart: Rush (Peart, Lee, Lifeson)

There are those who think that life

Has nothing left to chance

A host of holy horrors

To direct our aimless dance

You can choose from phantom fears

A kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that’s clear

I will choose free will

NIGGA Formed to Counter NIGRO

BONNER COUNTY, ID - A new group, the North Idaho Gun Group Association (NIGGA) has been formed to counter what they claim is the racial insensitivity of the Supreme Leader’s recently formed NIGRO, or North Idaho Greater Retailers Organization. In their filing documents, NIGGA claims that NIGRO is a secretive deep state society, who’s sole ambition is to destroy non-NIGRO businesses through staged events.

NIGGA is responding to the deep state threat by organizing gun owners to protect non-NIGRO businesses, in case of staged race riots or ANTIFA rallies, should any miraculously occur in the county.

Cops Solve Massive Theft

SAGLE, ID - Local law enforcement recently scrambled to solve a property theft crime. As reported, a Mr. Clueless entered a gun shop and pulled out his unloaded pistol to ask the owner if he had a part for the firearm. The owner selfishly and criminally grabbed the Mr. Clueless’ hand as the pistol was about to cover the owner’s stomach, where upon the owner took control of the pistol, removed Mr. Clueless’ finger from the trigger, ejected the loaded magazine, and cycled the slide to remove the round from the barrel.

The store owner then, without Mr. Clueless’ permission, put the cartridge into his jar of shame, that contains all of the ammunition that was brought into his store loaded up in unloaded firearms. Mr. Clueless demanded his cartridge be returned immediately, as he had paid 30 cents for it last year. This request was refused by the owner, who said that forfeiting the cartridge was the price for pointing a loaded unloaded gun at him, and that it was for a good cause as it serves to promote responsibility and safety in the gun owning community.

After leaving, Mr. Clueless notified law enforcement of the theft of his property, and an officer was dispatched from a child endangerment investigation in Clark Fork to handle the situation. The officer drove the hour to the store, spent thirty minutes investigating the crime, and retrieved what was assumed to be the 30 cent round of ammunition from the jar of shame. No one was really sure as there were multiple 9mm rounds in the jar. At one point placing a call to the forensic team was considered, to pull fingerprint and DNA evidence.

The officer then drove back to the north county to deliver the stolen property to its rightful owner. No charges were filed, and approximately $300 of county resources were used to solve the 30 cent non-crime. The child endangerment investigation has been terminated, as crucial evidence went missing during the officer’s absence.

Rainbow Rhino Ridden for Diversity Awareness

BAYVIEW, ID - One local man is doing his part to raise awareness for the rampant social injustice that plagues North Idaho. Biff McHipster is planning to paddle his Rainbow Rhino from Bayview to the Pacific Ocean for the Cause. The Rainbow Rhino Inflatable was a drunken purchase that now symbolizes diversity and BLM, because rhinos come from Africa. That and young chicks dig it.

According to Biff, “North Idaho suffers from massive discrimination, both racial and against sexual orientation. It is so bad that we have almost zero people of color or TCBY’s. Wait, is that a yogurt shop? Nevermind. So I wanted to do something that would be totally meaningless and unhelpful, yet put me in the limelight for my 15 minutes of fame.

“I’m collecting pledges for every mile that me and my Rhino inflatable paddle towards the Pacific. Normally, I come out to the lake every day and paddle around anyways, but this way I can be an attention whore and paddle for the Diversity Cure. All pledges will go to Black Wives Matta, or whatever that group is, and they promise that only 90% will go towards overhead so it’s a good deal. Besides raising awareness for a non-existent problem, I think this will also help me score with all the Washington and Oregon hippy chicks that are visiting here right now, so win-win.”

When asked how he planned to handle the various dams such as Albeni Falls and getting into Canada via the waterway, Mr. McHipster responded with “Huh? Don’t they have like, fish ladders and stuff that I can use? And Canada will have to let me in. I’m doing important work raising awareness, and Canada isn’t racist so they have to let me through.” Pledge sheets can be signed at the Bayview General Store and Laundromat.

Corona Hits Wildlife Population

BONNER COUNTY, ID - The not-so-novel and not-so-heinous Corona virus has now expanded to the local wildlife population, according to governmental health experts. A deer was recently tragically hit and killed while playing Frogger on Highway 95 in the Careywood area. The driver who struck the hapless animal reported that it appeared to be coughing at the time of impact. 

The State Patrol was the first to respond, but the officer did not feel secure enough with his PPE to conduct a thorough investigation. The officer then summoned state and federal wildlife officials, and the state’s highway clean-up crew.  After closing traffic in both directions on Highway 95 for over two hours and consuming four dozen donuts, all agreed that their face masks and rubber gloves were not up to the challenge and that state, federal and global health officials should lead the investigative effort.

Phone calls were made to WHO, CDC, State Health Services, PHD, and Bonner General. All health officials agreed that the cause of death was Corona, and set about arguing which agency should receive the 35% Corona bonus payment for making the correct diagnosis. Road crews erected signage, and traffic was restored after a slight six hour delay.