EASTPORT, ID - To further celebrate October’s record $2.1 million dollar drug seizure, the local division of the US Border Patrol has decided to move its year-end Christmas party to a different location. The seizure included 84 pounds of cocaine, and 198 pounds of meth. Suspects were detained both in the United States as well as Canada.
According to USBP officials, morale had been waning at the regional office in Bonners Ferry, and officers had been really not looking forward to the annual Christmas party and sweater exchange that is normally held in the break room. But as the USBP now has something to celebrate, management made the decision to relocate the party to a more festive location. Many venues were considered, including the Kootenai Casino, Talus Rock, and Trinity at City Beach but with such a large haul and spirits running high, a vote was held and employees overwhelmingly chose a week in Las Vegas.
An unidentified source close to the investigation explained “Since we already have suspects in custody, and only a few ounces of the illicit drugs need to be kept as evidence for the trials, we all thought it would be a huge morale booster to close out the year in style. We tried to find a suitable local venue, but BNSF is no longer importing comfort women for their workers, and Wallace’s red light district has been closed for years. I mean, C’mon Man! You can’t celebrate a large cache of cocaine without hookers, amiright?”
A special account was established at a local bank to fund the party, and scads of anonymous donations in $9,900 increments have been pouring in. Additionally, agents are planning on taking a few kilos of cocaine to Las Vegas to show to their brother officers, and plan on destroying the drugs afterwards. The week-long year-end party will be held at the Bellagio penthouse, which came highly recommended from Hunter Biden. Numerous side trips to the Cottontail Ranch in Pahrump, for field research, will be featured as part of the week’s activities. Wives and girlfriends are specifically excluded from this year’s party, as the transportation and destruction of this evidence has been deemed too risky for civilians.
From one LARPer to another, this fine art. Don't stop :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you take submissions.
ReplyDeleteThese are for you. Reply if I can write more:
ReplyDeleteBonner County BOC Mandates Actual Face Diapers
SANDPOINT - Jurisdictions across the region have taken various precautionary measures to reduce the spread of COVID-19, including mandates to wear face coverings. However, the Bonner County Board of Commissioners has decided to take the extraordinary additional measure of requiring citizens to wear actual diapers on their faces.
In a 2-1 vote at Tuesday’s Board of Commissioner’s meeting, the Bonner County BOC passed the unusual and unprecedented mandate, among a sea of boos and hisses from the largely unmasked audience.
“We’re fed up with this virus,” said Commissioner Don MacDonald. “But even more so, we’re fed up with all the rhetoric. I’ve heard it all. Some people call [COVID-19] a ‘plandemic’. Others say it’s spread by 5G cell phone towers. Lately I’ve heard people referring to masks as face diapers. Honestly, with all the shit these people have been spewing out of their mouths I’d just assume they wear a real diaper on their face.”
The face diaper mandate goes into effect on Dec. 1. Penalties for violation of the face diaper mandate include $1,000 fine, or being pilloried in Jeff Jones Square on display for all of the Solar Roadways tourists to see.
Governor Little Announces Double Secret Coronavirus Restrictions
ReplyDeleteBOISE - After several disappointing months of climbing COVID-19 cases, Idaho Governor Brad Little has announced that Idaho will transition from Stage 2 of the Idaho Rebounds plan, and enter into Double Secret Coronavirus Restrictions.
At a press conference Friday, Governor Little appeared next to a very puzzled looking sign language interpreter to explain that the Double Secret Coronavirus Restrictions will take effect immediately, and will be enforced by the Idaho National Guard. Reporters from KTVB, KREM and BC Moose Droppings submitted questions to the Governor requesting further details about the new restrictions, and were all met with the same answer: it’s a secret.
Of the secret restrictions, General Gorshak of the Idaho National Guard stated, “as a military officer, I’m not at liberty to say.” The General went on to state: “if I told you, I’d have to kill you.”
Penalty for violation of the Double Secret Coronavirus Restrictions include a $1,000 fine and six month’s sentencing to Double Secret Probation.