Something Smart: W.C. Fields

 

"I never vote for anyone. I always vote against." W.C. Fields, comedian

AK-15 Fer Sale

Custom built and used by General Grant in the 'Nams fighting the Koreans. Features a silvery barrel, match plastic handguard, sweet 9 pound trigger, pearl handled pistol grip, and a super top secret NcStar sniper scope. Comes with one pre-banned banana clippy thing that holds more than one box of boolits. $2500 See Festus in the tent alongside the Bay Trail.

Local Man Killed While on Vacation

 

SAN DIEGO, CA - A Sandpoint area man was killed while on vacation in San Diego. San Diego Police contacted the Moose Droppings in the hopes that we could assist with the Identification of the man. A badly torn and blood soaked wallet was found on the body, with the photo and name defaced beyond recognition, but parts of the address still intact.

According to witnesses the man had been overheard saying that he wanted to go to a restaurant across the street, and before anyone could react he just stepped out into traffic without looking both ways. As it was rush hour and the man had stepped into the road thirty feet in front of a vehicle, the fully loaded dump truck was unable to stop in time from its fifty mile per hour pace. The driver of the dump truck was not speeding at the time of the tragedy. 

Police questioned the Moose Droppings as to whether this kind of behavior was normal in the Sandpoint area. The Moose Droppings described the city’s concept of a walking town, and the local citizenry’s habits of stepping in front of motorhomes and logging trucks while expecting drivers to always stop for them. The officer responded with “You have got to be kidding me!” The victims name is being withheld pending notification of relatives.

Igor Lenin to run for Bonner County Sheriff

BONNER COUNTY, ID - The Moose Droppings recently interviewed Igor Lenin of the North Idaho Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), who announced his bid for Bonner County Sheriff. Mr. Lenin was asked why voters should choose him over the incumbent and also candidate, Daryl Wheeler. Mr. Lenin responded thusly:

“Sheriff Wheeler, first of all, is bad leader as he does not embrace government’s total control of economy and its protection of its citizens during the Corona virus. Instead, Sheriff Wheeler foolishly believes that citizens of Bonner county can assess own personal risks to the virus, and act accordingly.

“Sheriff Wheeler also believes in arresting and jailing people for harmless offenses, like recreational drugs such as meth, fentanyl, or PCP. This simply leads to jail overcrowding, and keeping people off these drugs lead to personal responsibility and less central governmental control. Citizens need to be kept medicated, so they do not reflect upon their problems or question state authority.

“Finally, the DSA’s plan for Bonner county and America stresses that DSA can allocate resources and care for all citizen’s need. The leaders of DSA will paternally administer to all of your needs, and eliminate those foolish things that you all consider rights. We’ve got covered, so vote for Lenin this November.”

Moose on the Street: What Did You Think of the Presidential Debate?

Both of those whippersnappers need a spanking and some manners. Homer, 93 year old Retiree

Trump is bad, always. Bad, bad, bad. Moon Child, Trust Fund Baby

There was a debate? Like, what’s that? Madison, High School Senior

It was as boring as the football game, neither one had any cheerleaders. Otis Inman, town sot.

Is it just me, or does Biden look like he’s developing a Gorbachev spot on the left side of his forehead? Susie, Safeway Cashier

High Council Explains Caribbean Junket

 

7B WIRE - The High Council and the Supreme Leader's office have released a joint statement describing the activities and purpose of their 2018 purchasing junket to Grand Cayman in the Carribean. The statement reads as follows:

"The Supreme Leader and the High Council recently undertook a fact finding mission to Grand Cayman in order to better research and understand the city’s waste disposal needs. In its continual effort to foster green technologies, encourage recycling efforts and reduce landfill tonnage, the Supreme Leader and High Council wanted to see first hand how that small island nation deals with its rubbish problems.

"The trip was of zero cost to the taxpayers, as the trip was fully funded by outside corporate sources. Rest assured that these sources did not influence the High Council’s decision in any way to purchase the city’s new $4,000 garbage cans. Indeed, the High Council signed the purchase agreement and subsequent maintenance contracts at the Hyatt Grand Cayman only after a week-long stay of due diligence and research. The Big Belly garbage cans were found to be the most effective option for replacing the city’s already paid-for fleet of existing garbage cans."

When questioned about the other options which the council investigated, a spokesman said that many, many other options were researched and considered. He went on to say that the council members were finally swayed at the last evening’s seaside cocktail mixer, when it was noted that the 13 gallon garbage can by the bar was overflowing with plastic Mai Tai cups, but the on-site BigBelly garbage can still had a flashing green light, which seemed to indicate that it was happy.

The Council’s spokesman went on to further state that all 156 of the city’s old $1200 garbage cans were disposed of last year. The city at first planned to crush them inside of the new $4,000 BigBelly cans, but was concerned that the BigBelly cans might break during the process. Therefore, the High Council voted to send all of the old cans to the landfill, as they held no value for resale.

Local Candidate Debates Switch to New Thunderdome Format

 

7B Wire - After watching the first presidential debate, the leadership of both the Bonner County Democrats and Republicans have decided to shake things up locally. Concerned with the lack of views considering the importance of the election, the county caucuses have agreed to a new Thunderdome Debate format to garner more local attention and interest in the county’s elections.

Both county caucuses agreed that the Trump / Biden debate could have been more entertaining and informative. While both Trump and Biden made efforts to talk over each other as well as the moderator, both could have done more to be rude and obnoxious. County election leaders felt that if Trump and Biden had truly been allowed to take their gloves off, then viewership would have greatly increased resulting in a more informed electorate.

The Thunderdome Debate format will consist of the candidates being locked into a ‘combat cage’, that will be lined with tools of mayhem in keeping with the county’s traditions. Chainsaws will be used to represent area logging, and flamethrowers to symbolize area wildland firefighters making back burns. Scythes will be present harkening back to old hay harvest methods, and various sledgehammers will remind area residents of our railroading past.

At each debate, two candidates will enter Thunderdome and be asked a question pertinent to the office that they are seeking. The candidates will then have five minutes to find and use a tool of mayhem to make their points against each other. The winning candidate will greatly narrow down the voter’s options, and the losing candidate will get a free trip to the morgue. Besides having half of their elector pool eliminated simplifying voting options, voters will also have the benefit of making official bets on the candidate’s survivability on the issues thirty minutes before each debate.

To ensure fairness two Thunderdome debates will be held, each at a different location of each party's choosing. The Democrats have decided to host their Thunderdome by the rainbow dumpsters at Matchwood Brewing on October 10th. The Republicans have chosen Laughing Dog brewery as the site of their Thunderdome Debate on October 24th, due in part to its proximity to Waste Management for easier cleanup of the carcasses. Both debates will begin at 7PM. Beer Gardens open at 10AM both days.