Toilet Paper Stampede Kills Three

TP for my bunghole!

Ponderay, ID - Local officials were left puzzled last Thursday after an apparent scuffle over toilet paper became deadly, leaving three dead and scores injured. Among those killed was an off-duty mall cop whose heroic antics cost him his life.

Police say the action started after a local discount store received an unexpected shipment of Shitzhu™ brand toilet tissue. News and photos of the commodity, currently in high demand due to a viral binge of panic buying, quickly spread via social media and the store became clogged with excited shoppers. A stampede ensued, followed by violent shoving and grabbing, as the final remaining packages of paper became realized. Much of the frenzy was recorded on shoppers' Smartphones and streamed live onto various social media feeds using the hashtag #wipedout.

Detectives on the case have reviewed the water buffalo-like stampede from store security camera footage and hundreds of images posted on social media site CrapChat. The investigation is ongoing.

Video clips from multiple sources reveal the mall cop approaching the unruly crowd holding a canister of pepper spray as he appeared to grab a package of paper for himself. The man was instantly pelted with swinging purses and daypacks and absorbed into the mob, where he became fatally lodged between two large women clutching multiple family-packs of toilet paper. The eause of death is listed as suffocation and blunt force trauma.

Moments later two overweight people riding Rascal scooters were seen plowing into the crowd at the vehicles' top speed of four hundred pounds per hour. Several shoppers were knocked down, crushing to death a ninety-year-old grandmother and her registered therapy cat, Toonces, who was strapped into a chest carrier pouch. No arrests have been made yet.

"It was the stupidest thing I have ever seen," reported store manager Beavis Butteheade. "It's the shits. People are, like, dumb and stuff. They weren't supposed to spend it all at once."

Butteheade was referencing the recent stimulus relief payments handed out to taxpayers to help ease the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus pandemic.

The deaths have been classified as being caused by coronavirus and were added to the ever-growing body count to fatten the curve for North Idaho, potentially bringing in federal disaster relief assistance to the area.

Forest Service Closes Forest in Desperate Bid to Remain Relevant

7B Wire - Feeling left out, unnoticed, and irrelevent in the media spotlight, the Forest Service has decided to do its part for the national COVID-19 reponse.

The Panhandle District recently closed all of its improved lands to prevent the spread of the deadly disease, which has infected three people in Bonner County, all of whom were sent home to rest and recover.

At a press conference, local Ranger spokesman Karen Hysteria made the following statement: “I was at Green Bay last week and noticed that someone had foolishly decided to go camping. I asked and they said they were spending the night and leaving the next day. Can you imagine the potential for spread if another person had decided to also camp at Green Bay at the same time, and had set up camp on the other side of the campground a quarter mile away? Two people at the same campground? We felt we had no choice but to do our part to keep the country safe from the coronavirus, so we closed the forest.”

When asked about closing the various hiking trailheads, Hysteria explained the numbers. “The Panhandle District manages only 300,000 acres of forest. With 6-foot social distancing requirements, that would only allow a theoretical population density of 1,200 people per acre. When you figure in rivers and rocks and stuff, that number drops dramatically to, like, 500 per acre. With a safe usage capacity of only 150,000,000 people at any one given time, we felt that we had no choice but to act in the manner we did to protect Americans from the coronavirus.”

“We are asking the media everywhere to carry this message, so that all Americans will see us and know that the USFS is doing its part at this time of crisis," Hysteria continued. "Please like us on Facebook, and visit our SnappyGram and InstaChat pages for more updates from your friends at the USFS."

Stay-at-home Workers Stage Mass Suicide

Sandpoint, ID - The community mourns the loss of eight employees of local tech firm Mojava after they engaged in what appears to be a mass suicide. Victims' names are not yet known due to a delay in recovery efforts caused by social distancing requirements, along with legally clearing any culpability on behalf of the firm.

The group of workers was spotted Tuesday morning marching in a lifeless, robotic manner along the Long Bridge, where minutes later they were seen leaping over the edge one after another, plunging into the icy waters of Lake Pend Oreille. Several passing motorists witnessed the ordeal.

"They looked like a bunch of zombies, or zombie lemmings, like their minds were just fried," stated area woman Alotta Daiquiri, who stopped her car to watch them jump to their deaths. "Having to stare at flickering screens all day in the sanctity and comfort of what used to be their home? No wonder they lost it."

The workers had recently been ordered to work from home due to the virus, instantly altering a lifestyle accustomed to kicking back together on beanbags during team meetings while sipping on frothy coffee drinks all day.

The name Mojava is a slang industry term meaning "more coffee", used when referring to tech industry projects dull enough to induce glassy-eyed comas. It also hails from the ancient Kalispell Indian word for "devastatingly and mind-numbingly boring", and was historically used in song and dance ceremonies to help ward off negative soul-sucking energies.

A representative from Mojava expressed deep remorse over the loss, stating such a tragedy will "never happen again" before posting eight immediate job openings on Craigslist and other job boards.

Area Man Declares Virus 'Red Herring'

Sagle, ID - Outspoken comedian Larry "Mad Dog" Fury, known for his cringe-worthy verbal outbursts at the downtown farmers market, publicly announced his involvement in the flyers that have been posted all over town during the past two weeks.

On his blog, Fury stated he had initially mailed a 19,000 word manifesto to the daily paper, voicing his dissent over governmental mismanagement of the enduring coronavirus clusterfuck. His submission was rejected due to lack of space, prompting Fury to take matters into his own hands and display printed flyers at all "essential" businesses remaining open during the government-mandated shutdown, such as state revenue builders like liquor stores, gas stations, and "medical" marijuana dispensaries.

The flyers, invoking the populace to "open their minds" and "rise up" against the "orchestrated sham" of the coronavirus pandemic, became widely discussed on social media channels despite Fury warning fellow citizens to stop using such "free" services due to profitable data harvesting gained from the voluntary relinquishment of personal liberties that, once taken away, are rather difficult to get back.

Fury also used his flyers to drive home various talking points including "the newfound divided collectivism of the people", "herd mentality", and "the ease of which the government gained control of everyone's lives by using a switch-based psy-op campaign of fear mongering and rapidly changing facts." The flyers were peppered with political phrases like "red herring" and "black swan", and included a "then versus now" reference to the 1997 film Wag The Dog starring Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman.

The comedian's messages were downplayed and mocked within social media circles, prompting an array of jokes ranging from "You know you're crazy when" memes and excessive usage of angry-faced emojis wearing tinfoil hats. 

 

Fury was also criticized for using Comic Sans font on the flyers, when a more serious font would have gained bigger impact and more respect. He could not be reached for comment as of press time.

What Are You Doing to Survive the Corona Apocalypse?

“I’m, like, embracing social distancing by spending time in my room on my phone, sending, like, vanity shots to the cute boys from school.” Madison, SHS student

“I’m sheltering in place, and bought ten years worth of TP, frozen dinners, and water. I just need a bigger freezer now, and enough gas for my generator, and another generator in case this one dies on me.” Homer, retired 93-year-old owner of a lake front home

“I head out only once per day for essential errands, you know like Starbucks, the liquor store, and the pot shop over in Washington.” Moon Child, 45-year-old trust fund baby

“I’m an essential worker, so I have to wear latex gloves to handle everyone’s food all day long. Since the gloves are disposable we can't really sanitize them, so we get a fresh pair at the start of each shift.” Susie, Safeway cashier

“I’m high risk, so I now send my grandkids to the store for my three cigarette packs each morning so I don’t catch anything bad.” Nancy, retiree with emphysema

Bankrupted Business Owner Joyful About Doing 'Her Part'

7B Wire - Sandpoint’s premiere yoga studio, Moontime 28, has remained strong despite facing a complete financial collapse caused by the coronavirus after all touch-based services were banned. Reeling from an instantanenous lack of cash flow, business owner Moon Child, graciously focused her energy to the internet to help keep the entire community safe and on the antivirus bandwagon.

Child took brave steps to convert her studio's online yoga channel into a positive vocal platform to guide fellow citizens on how to remain engaged and proactive at any or all costs, even after she had been forced to lay off her entire staff, lock the doors, roll her last joint, and presumably file for bankruptcy.

“We all have to gladly do our part during this crisis. It doesn't matter that nobody has died from the virus in North Idaho, and that no one on my staff is at risk. We still gladly support the enforced closure of the entire community and the loss of all of our revenue and livelihood, because it might save a life somewhere," Child stated in a video last Tuesday. "If our employees have to miss a few mortgage payments, starve their children, or go to suicide counseling for their despondency, that’s just the price we have to pay to save lives from this heinous disease running rampant through our region. What are there now, at least three people infected, probably hanging out at home watching Tiger King? It's scary stuff. We can't take any chances, because that would be stupid.”

If you would like to support Moon Child's encouraging public service announcements, a GoFundMe account has been set up to help the struggling business stay afloat during this difficult time. All donations are appreciated, and proceeds will go toward obtaining essential supplies from an industry provider located in the green building just across the state line.

City Makes Great Strides in Destroying 1st Ave Businesses

Sandpoint, ID - Not content with the efforts to destroy all business trade on First Avenue over the last three years, the City of Sandpoint has doubled up on its efforts for 2020.

For the past three summers, city leaders have tried to discourage business by repeatedly closing and demolishing the main thoroughfare during the highest periods of tourist activity. This year, the City seized the opportunity of a fourth demolition by taking advantage of the national coronavirus shutdown.

At a meeting of Sandpoint’s COVID-19 Task Force, City Council members stated that ignoring the city’s vision for First Avenue is simply unpatriotic. The council also commented that their vision of a beautiful and wide open First Avenue, free of traffic and the scourge of capitalism, can only be achieved if we all do our part during this crisis.

“It has been our vision all along to make First Avenue feel like a park, where people can gather for social events and not worry about getting hit by cars, dealing with pushy merchants, or have trouble finding a place to eat during high volume times in the summer," a deep-state source within the council reported. "Our campaign so far has been somewhat successful, but with everyone being guilted into doing their part to stop the coronavirus, we thought why not take advantage of the hysteria and trash the street again, for the win.”

“First Avenue sounds too much like First World, and Sandpoint wants to embrace a diverse world vision. We thought this could be best achieved if we gave First Avenue a Third World feel, with block after block of shuttered businesses, open sewage pits, and piles of rubble lining the demolished street."

City leaders opined that their vision may be realized if they can prolong the pandemic through the month of August.

Adorable Couple Eschews Social Distancing

Get a room, you two!

Sagle, ID - The County's "Most Adorable Couple" is reportedly back together again after recently having "taken a week off" to "think things through" after a minor squabble over whose turn it was to pay for breakfast. Upon hearing about the statewide order to avoid human contact, they were drawn together like never before.

Sightings of the pair began in earnest two years ago when they were first spotted at Garfield Bay flirtatiously knocking back shots of tequila at a picnic table. Since then, the pair have been virtually inseparable, parading around town arm-in-arm after officially becoming an item. They were voted Sandpoint’s Most Adorable Couple in 2019, a title they continue to hold.

Since the start of the government-mandated shutdown, the two have been spotted on all the city’s various hiking trails and walkways, walking closely together and holding hands despite social distancing requirements. When asked about their open defiance of these common sense precautions, the couple, known only as "you two", made the following statements:

“Look, you don’t get to be voted the Most Adorable Couple in Sandpoint by backing down from adversity. In these trying and unknown times, we are trying to bring a ray of sunshine and hope to the public at large by doing what we do best, being adorable," he said.

"Since we can’t go out for breakfast or tacos anymore, because COVID, we have decided to maintain our public walk schedules to keep up appearances as usual,” she added.

Local waitress Cherlene Tunt stated "They. Are. Adorable. They used to come in every week for dinner, and it's been really hard to lose that." Tunt was the first person to publicly declare the couple's total cuteness, and restaurant staff reportedly draw straws to decide who gets to serve the couple. A series of random strangers have also confirmed the pair's captivating appeal, including a man who said they look like they should be on the cover of a book and a woman who said she volunteered to take their picture when she saw them sitting together on a park bench.

“Besides, you all know that we live together, eat together and sleep together, and neither of us is in a high risk category or really believes in the monkey-see/monkey-do behavior that the rest of the country has fallen for," the couple stated. "If you are high risk for living life, then please stay home and shelter in place in your given-up chairs. If you are out and about, then please give us a wave back, and by all means if you feel the need you can tell us how adorable we are. Don’t be bashful, we’re used to it.”

Last week, a local photographer captured a romantic image of the couple embraced in a passionate kiss on the Lollipop Bridge during sunset. The image received hundreds of "likes" and smiling emojis on Facebook despite a few jaded divorcées remarking that the couple's public displays of affection were "annoying" and "over the top".

LGTCBY Pride Week Events Planned, Maybe

Sandpoint, ID - The city of Sandpoint is proud to announce a celebration of diversity to take place this May, or whenever the coronavirus pandemic runs its course, or never. The inaugural "Ride The Pride" festival will host a series of shows and events to honor and reward absolutely every person simply for being alive, no matter who they are or what they have done in life.

A parade will kick things off at the county's first rainbow crosswalk in front of the Cedar Street Bridge, followed by a naked bike ride, contact dancing, and colored "pride" tattoos available at the Just A Little Prick ink parlor on Main Street.

Exact dates and times will be announced as soon as the mayor says it's okay to play.

Local Governments Fear Corona Infecting Money

7B Wire - State, county, and city governments are all concerned that the coronavirus may have infected their treasury accounts. This time last year, every Idaho governmental entity was flush with funds, due to an exceptionally strong economy and a huge influx of new residents.This year, however, has been a different story, with almost every treasury balance freefalling to zero.

Despite closing half of all businesses and driving forty percent of Idaho’s workforce into unemployment, governmental leaders are unable to find the direct cause of the massive hemmoraging of money from their coffers.

At a meeting of Idaho Governmental Treasurers last Wednesday, the theory was put forth that the coronavirus may have infected the monetary system and is now killing off the paper fibers that make up physical currency, thereby causing its disappearance.

“All the effects of the coronavirus are not fully understood, and with the virus being novel and all, we thought that we would come up with our own novel theory," stated Idaho Treasurer Ivana Golddigger. "Besides, nothing else seems plausible, and our theory is as proven as all the coronavirus catastrophe curves and charts.”

Based upon the risky speculations, Washington officials came up with the simple solution to just print more money and funnel it into the economy to help kickstart a massive domino effect of hyperinflation and subsequent economic collapse, forcing a global reset likely to result in worldwide oppression and conflict.

“We all have to do our part to eradicate this global terror. Until we can determine how coronavirus infects and destroys our money, taxpayers and the federal government will have to do their part and give us more," Golddigger instructed, when asked if the loss of tax revenue from the business closures and the increased unemployment expenses had any direct bearing, "In the meantime, we are working very hard with the scientific communitiy to develop an accurate model and encouraging everyone to fatten the curve of our treasury accounts in order to advance the research and to help save lives.”

Avian Cleansing Gets Goosed

Sandpoint, ID - The Canadian Goose population has seen a resurgence at City Beach, thanks to the coronavirus. Formerly, town leaders had confirmed a disposal plan to rid the City’s lands of undesirable avian wildlife. Under 'Operation Final Solution', all nuisance waterfowl were to be rounded up, bagged and tagged with leg bands with a yellow star for easy identification, loaded onto train cars, and transported to an undisclosed lake in central Idaho for permanent relocation.

Due to the shutdown, the city has been unable to contain the population explosion, as city employees have been furloughed from their landscaping jobs because of social distancing requirements. Usage of the five acre park has also been heavily discouraged, as the beaches, grass areas and walking path can only support 2,500 people at any one time under the six-foot distancing guidelines.

The geese, having no competition for usage, are returning in droves. City officials also stated that with the closing of all of the area Chinese and Thai restaurants, the birds now have no natural predators and are becoming increasingly hostile towards the few humans that continue to use City Beach.

Nom Nom Nom...Let's Eat! Fine Dining Found in Gas Station Chinese

During a global pandemic, finding a restaurant still open for dinner has become a challenge. Most dining establishments have shuttered their doors, touting public safety and a responsibility to do their part. Seating patrons six feet apart from one another just isn't practical or safe, especially in restaurants with limited space.

Out on an essential beer run, it was with gastronomical pleasure that our staff discovered a delectable dining opton beyond fast food drive-thrus: Gas Station Chinese!

Located south of town, Wuhan Delight has not only remained open, but has seen a surge in business ever since the virus broke out. Due to being inside a gas station, health inspectors have deemed this eatery to be both essential and safe.

We tried the Wuhan Pig Stickers as a tantalizing appetizer. Tangy and crispy, the secret lab sauce stunned my taste buds. The Sweet and Sour City Beach Goose was outstanding, deep fried to perfection. The chef recommended pairing it with a cold Corona with lime to complement the dish. For a post-meal snack after the MSG spikes your hunger again, we recommend the 19 Bat Wing special, a secret ancient Chinese recipe the chef refused to elaborate upon, but which was scrumptious just the same.

Wuhan Delight is open seven days a week for lunch and dinner. Get your gas, get your grub, and get out!