Toilet Paper Stampede Kills Three

TP for my bunghole!

Ponderay, ID - Local officials were left puzzled last Thursday after an apparent scuffle over toilet paper became deadly, leaving three dead and scores injured. Among those killed was an off-duty mall cop whose heroic antics cost him his life.

Police say the action started after a local discount store received an unexpected shipment of Shitzhu™ brand toilet tissue. News and photos of the commodity, currently in high demand due to a viral binge of panic buying, quickly spread via social media and the store became clogged with excited shoppers. A stampede ensued, followed by violent shoving and grabbing, as the final remaining packages of paper became realized. Much of the frenzy was recorded on shoppers' Smartphones and streamed live onto various social media feeds using the hashtag #wipedout.

Detectives on the case have reviewed the water buffalo-like stampede from store security camera footage and hundreds of images posted on social media site CrapChat. The investigation is ongoing.

Video clips from multiple sources reveal the mall cop approaching the unruly crowd holding a canister of pepper spray as he appeared to grab a package of paper for himself. The man was instantly pelted with swinging purses and daypacks and absorbed into the mob, where he became fatally lodged between two large women clutching multiple family-packs of toilet paper. The eause of death is listed as suffocation and blunt force trauma.

Moments later two overweight people riding Rascal scooters were seen plowing into the crowd at the vehicles' top speed of four hundred pounds per hour. Several shoppers were knocked down, crushing to death a ninety-year-old grandmother and her registered therapy cat, Toonces, who was strapped into a chest carrier pouch. No arrests have been made yet.

"It was the stupidest thing I have ever seen," reported store manager Beavis Butteheade. "It's the shits. People are, like, dumb and stuff. They weren't supposed to spend it all at once."

Butteheade was referencing the recent stimulus relief payments handed out to taxpayers to help ease the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus pandemic.

The deaths have been classified as being caused by coronavirus and were added to the ever-growing body count to fatten the curve for North Idaho, potentially bringing in federal disaster relief assistance to the area.