Next Presidential Debate to Feature Van Halen Tribute

 

NASHVILLE, TN - In a surprise announcement from the national elections board, the next presidential debate will feature an air guitar winner take all contest and tribute to recently deceased guitar legend Edward Van Halen. Both the Democratic and Republican National Party Chairs have confirmed that their respective candidates are willing to join the nation for a moment of silence to reflect upon Mr. Van Halen’s contributions to our collective culture, the bad-assness of his guitar riffs, and the opportunity to cut heads on stage.

As the nation’s flags continue to fly at half mast to symbolize Mr. Van Halen’s greatness and our country’s sorrow, both presidential candidates have acknowledged that the petty problems of our nation pale in comparison to the loss that we have all suffered. Both candidates have therefore agreed to have an air guitar contest to decide the election, Thunderdome style. The election will thus be held in the manner of American Idol, with voters texting or emailing their votes in, so as to avoid any claims of mail-in voter fraud. For those without internet or texting, libraries across the country will remain open all night to serve as voting precincts, along with Dennys, IHOPs and Waffle Houses. Votes will still be tabulated by state, with the electoral college and not the popular vote deciding the outcome.

Both candidates have announced their three song playlist that they will air guitar. President Trump has stated via a Tweet that he will be performing Eruption/You Really Got Me, Hot For Teacher and Pound Cake. Sources close to the President have indicated that he will be using a replica of Van Halen’s Frankenstrat and will be dressed in 1980s era ass-less spandex. 

Mr. Biden, in a press conference only attended by CNN, MSNBC and NPR, stated that he will be airing I Can’t Drive, Fire In The Ho, and one other song that he really liked when he heard it on Lawrence Welk. Mr. Biden’s camp has indicated that he will be using a replica of Don Ho’s ukulele, because research has shown that the kids think it is really boss. Mr. Biden will be wearing a Hawaiian style shirt and coordinating face mask. Tune in October 22nd for the Thunderdome Presidential Air Guitar Tribute and Election.