Local Candidate Arrested for Hookers and Blow

 

7B WIRE -  A local candidate was detained and arrested last week on charges of possession of cocaine, sexual exploitation of a minor, and illegally parking in a fire zone.  Police officials reported that they approached a vehicle with two suspicious occupants outside of the Walmart in Ponderay. Upon reaching the vehicle, they discovered a middle school-aged girl on her hands and knees, with her dress hiked up, and an older man with a powdery substance on his nose and upper lip, who was staring at a baked dessert and was heard to be saying “cocaine pie”.

Sensing that this might be a Russian / Ukranian plot to influence the Northern Idaho way of life and undermine our upcoming elections, officers drew their weapons and detained the vehicle’s occupants. After checking ID’s it was discovered that the male was in fact a candidate for public office. Assuming that their fears of foreign election collusion were correct, officers promptly tased the male suspect, and groped the assumed teenage prostitute while helping her out of the car.

The suspects were taken to a law enforcement rendition facility, where detectives determined that the officers’ initial report of a political candidate snorting cocaine off of an underaged hooker’s ass were false. It was discovered that the underaged girl had gotten a splinter on the back of her leg from the plywood bench seat in the man’s farm truck. The man had run into Walmart to get tweezers and antiseptic to remove the splinter. While in the Walmart, the man had also purchased a dozen powdered donuts and a marionberry pie, and had eaten all of the donuts while removing the splinter, thus getting some of the powder on his face. It was further determined that the young girl was also the man’s granddaughter, and that the man was making a joke about Marion Barry.

The two arrestee’s were promptly released, after signing forms stating that they were treated fairly by officers and that no harm was done to them. Police have agreed to not release the names of the arrestees, so as to not unduly affect the upcoming election, or be associated with the Russians and Iranians. The Bonner County Elections Board is still actively monitoring the Chinese for any signs of election tampering, and has petitioned Franz bakery to make their donut powder less clingy to human noses to avoid future misunderstandings, and to change the name of their pie.