Moose Droppings

Now Hiring! COVID-19 Social Distance Enforcement Officers

Moose On The Street: How are you Celebrating this Cinco de Mayo?

"Gonna have me a pitcher of red beer, a pitcher of green beer, and one of those clear white beers to make like I'm drinkin' the colors of the Messican flag." Otis Inman, Town Drunk

"Taking an el nappo." Jesus Contreras, Honduran immigrant

“I ain't doin' a damn thing for those river rats. I can hold out for the real celebratin' days for real Americans, like St. Patrick's, Boxing Day, and Oktoberfest.” Butch Estrada-Villalobos, lightweight arena fighter

"When is it? I might do a public spirit dance to express the energy and connection we share with the heritage of those people." Moon Child, 45-year-old trust fund baby

"Post some, like, Latino pride social justice minority memes on my CrapChat so, like, everyone knows I have awareness." Madison Sweeney, SHS student

"I’m calling Immigration on every illegal I see migrating up to the hops fields in Bonners, if I don't shoot 'em first." Homer, retired 93-year-old border patrol agent

Special Report: Corona International

'Covidiots Rampant', Says Mexico

7B WIRE - Over the past six weeks, Mexico has experienced a rapid surge in illnesses during the coronavirus pandemic, leaving officials looking for answers. Experts are still trying to calculate the effects of the sudden rampage, with statistics still coming in from outlaying beachfront resorts. Confirmed at this point is that those affected by the disease in Mexico have been primarily in the eighteen to twenty-four age group. Further baffling Mexican health officials, all of the reported cases were American travelers.

“Apparently spring break was cancelled in the United States, so all the college kids came down here to party,” said Jesus Gomez, a groundskeeper at Playa del Orgy in Cancun. “These damn gringos are partying like it’s the end of the world or something, drinking Corona like it’s going out of style. I’ve never had to run so many of these morons to the hospital for the sickness, or clean up so many messes as I have this year.”

Gomez states that his countrymen have termed the spring breakers as "Covidiots", in reference to the competing global outbreak of coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19.

Mexican Corona differs from the coronavirus with the following symptoms: loss of memory, extreme nausea, vomiting, pounding headaches, an uncontrollable urge to urinate, and unintended consequences caused by making poor decisions. Persons should be aware they probably have fallen victim to the Mexican strain following an immediate taste sensation like something has defecated in their mouth.

“These lazy Americans are invading our country, probably all illegally. They fill up our hotels, packed twelve and more to a room like dirty cucarachas to save money. All they do is lay around all day by the pool, eating tacos and having sex. Every year there are more, they multiply," Jesus said. "Then when they get bit by the Corona, someone has to take them to the hospital, where they take up space in our over-burdened health care system. We need a fence on the border and strict entry visas, before these pale-skinned parasites take over our nation.”

Opinion: East Coast Elitists Attempt to Educate Backwoods Idahoans on Viral Danger

By Droppings Contributor Dick Denker

On April 8th, the New York Times ran an article detailing the tragic results of the coronavirus as it swept a rampagous path through North Idaho, and the response from certain local leaders and outlying constitutional cravers. The article attempted to Identify North Idaho as inhabited by crazed hillbillies who blatantly disregard the certain peril they face from the virus, and their callous disregard for the lives of their friends and neighbors as well.

A photo of Bonner General Hospital’s unused and unneeded COVID-19 triage tents, with a purposefully strolling healthcare professional (hero) garbed up in a lab coat and a mask, led the article. What the Times failed to note was that the worker was on his mid-morning break, heading back from one of the tents where he had reheated his lunch and snuck in a cocktail after having played solitaire to pass the time as he literally has nothing to do all day.

Following this gripping report were pictures of a vacant city beach and empty playground equipment, closed to area youth. There was a no mention of North Idaho's weather in early April, that it had snowed the day before, and that no one really uses the beach when it’s forty degrees outside and raining.

Although listed as being reported from Sandpoint, the article started off detailing a Boise rally (because Boise = Idaho) being held by that stalwart of rational discourse, Ammon Bundy. Apparently the Times can’t read a map or pinpoint the distance between Boise and Sandpoint. Nor do they realize that Bundy, who doesn’t even live in Idaho, doesn’t speak for all of us, and further gives no concession toward a rational person wanting to question the data of the coronavirus and governmental response to save us all from this "heinous disease".

The Times also alluded to the high infection rate in Blaine county, home of Sun Valley resort. You know, the place 400 miles from Sandpoint, the place where all the rich and famous fly in and out of for the skiing and winter socializing? They managed to tie that right back to North Idaho, without mentioning the horror of our actual four confirmed cases, all of whom are recovering at home with Domino's pizza, light beer (Corona, no doubt. Salud!), and Gilligan’s Island reruns.

Our town would like to respectfully disagree with the obvious bias shown by the Times coverage of our little slice of paradise, and point out the obvious bigotry that they show for our citizens and state. At the same time, we would also like to thank them for perpetrating the inbred hillbilly stereotype of our citizenry (even without mentioning the scary black rifles we all tote around), as we hope it will keep the more enlightened out of North Idaho. Hopefully these pillars of elitist idealism will pick a different place for their retirement safe spaces, allowing our community to make its own decisions on its well being without their influence or moral superiority being interjected.

Might we suggest a new city slogan? Sandpoint: We’ve had enough of you, Corona.

The Ultimate Corona Prepper Survival Guide

Toilet paper. Don't hunker down without it. Keep a one year supply in stock: Men, three rolls; women, 365 rolls.
Cabbage and beans. Both have a ridiculously long shelf life, plus the added benefit of producing trench warfare-like gas clouds to keep intruders at bay.
Plenty of boxed wine. When stacked twelve high and three deep, these sturdy boxes provide robust fortification to any pantry.
More booze. Several cases of a light, easy-to-drink beer such as Corona, Corona Lite, or Corona XX Lite.
More is merrier. Every time you pick something up at the store, buy six more. Those eight-
Power. Remember the Rawlesian mantra of 'Two is one and one is none' when it comes to the life-saving power of a generator. Buy four. That way if one breaks or is stolen by marauding home invaders you've still got three, which, if you do the math, is like having one. Keep fuel on hand: the half gallon you have left over for the lawnmower should be plenty.
Work animals. Pit bulls, peacocks, hungry pigs, aggressive waterfowl, and a pond of pirahnas all look good as well as provide security and garbage disposal for your retreat.
Water. A relaxing hot tub now could one day be 300 gallons of safe drinking water for your family after the grid goes down.
Just in case. Plan ahead with a supply of Depends and Ensure in case the end of the world lasts forever.
Ammo. If all else falls, this is all you really need. One bullet will get the job done.