Special Report: Corona International

'Covidiots Rampant', Says Mexico

7B WIRE - Over the past six weeks, Mexico has experienced a rapid surge in illnesses during the coronavirus pandemic, leaving officials looking for answers. Experts are still trying to calculate the effects of the sudden rampage, with statistics still coming in from outlaying beachfront resorts. Confirmed at this point is that those affected by the disease in Mexico have been primarily in the eighteen to twenty-four age group. Further baffling Mexican health officials, all of the reported cases were American travelers.

“Apparently spring break was cancelled in the United States, so all the college kids came down here to party,” said Jesus Gomez, a groundskeeper at Playa del Orgy in Cancun. “These damn gringos are partying like it’s the end of the world or something, drinking Corona like it’s going out of style. I’ve never had to run so many of these morons to the hospital for the sickness, or clean up so many messes as I have this year.”

Gomez states that his countrymen have termed the spring breakers as "Covidiots", in reference to the competing global outbreak of coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19.

Mexican Corona differs from the coronavirus with the following symptoms: loss of memory, extreme nausea, vomiting, pounding headaches, an uncontrollable urge to urinate, and unintended consequences caused by making poor decisions. Persons should be aware they probably have fallen victim to the Mexican strain following an immediate taste sensation like something has defecated in their mouth.

“These lazy Americans are invading our country, probably all illegally. They fill up our hotels, packed twelve and more to a room like dirty cucarachas to save money. All they do is lay around all day by the pool, eating tacos and having sex. Every year there are more, they multiply," Jesus said. "Then when they get bit by the Corona, someone has to take them to the hospital, where they take up space in our over-burdened health care system. We need a fence on the border and strict entry visas, before these pale-skinned parasites take over our nation.”