Special Report: Goose Droppings

 

Operation Final Solution

'Save The Honkers', Says Rescue Group
7B WIRE - As the silent monster of coronavirus wages war on the world, our own community is left to fight its own waterfront battle. The struggle began in earnest some four years ago after at least one anonymous comment left on travel website TripComplainer stated the conditions at a popular North Idaho beach were "beyond dirty and fowl lol", causing the visitor to remark "I'm never going back to that crappy beach lol".

The shoreline, home to Canadian geese since the Missoula floods formed Lake Pend Oreille over 10,000 years ago, has come under fire during the past decade as tourism to the area has skyrocketed. In anticipation of a tourist-fueled economy, city planners thirty years ago laid out a three-acre grass lawn at the beach, not realizing that it would quickly become a smorgasbord landmark for migrating waterfowl. The geese continue to, and always will, be attracted to the lush green grass, their primary food source, and as a result litter the park with their droppings.

Current city leaders reacted with a four stage retaliation plan, dubbed Operation Final Solution. Initial attempts to fend off the feathered foe included posting "Do not feed the geese" signs and decoy attack coyotes. The latter attempt was declared an expensive failure after geese were routinely seen perched atop the coyotes, who subsequently had their tails cropped into mohawks by student vandals prior to being stolen overnight by an unscrupulous profiteer. The decoys were later spotted at a flea market in Wallace, Idaho.

After a series of stupid and costly ideas, the city council voted on the most ineffective method of removal to date: genocide. Despite public outcry, the geese continue to be rounded up by the mayor's henchmen, bagged & tagged, and transported by rail car to an undisclosed location in a neighboring township for purported "rehabilitation".

Local passive activist group Save The Honkers formed to help spread awareness by dropping reactionary hashtags all over community message boards, including #GooseLivesMatter and #Gooseschwitz2020. The group has accused the city of spearheading wildlife death camps.

"The solution is actually stupid simple," states group member James Littlebird. "You let a couple retrievers out to play at the beach, they scare off the birds, and the dogs get free head pats from kids. Triple win. No more geese, only two dog turds a day, and you're golden."

City leaders responded in a public statement that the method would be taken under consideration if funding was available for a discovery committee research study, estimated to cost upwards of $100,000 and take place at the Pink Flamingo Resort and Spa in Hawaii, where native waterfowl could be observed in their natural habitat.