Independence Day Cancelled

Remember, remember...

SANDPOINT, ID - Due to the swift and silent monster of the novel coronavirus that has swept through the tri-county region, claiming up to four mild cases and no deaths, the city announced in early May that it would be cancelling July 4th.

City leaders said they made the difficult decision to forego this year’s festivities because "it may save a life" and that they were "thinking of the children".

Also mentioned was a responsibility to protect vulnerable members of the Golden Tigers, a war veteran kinship group with an average age of eighty-three. The group leads the holiday parade and provides crowd control security during the evening fireworks display at the lake.

The announcement was made on the city's Facebook page and was tagged judiciously with emotional hashtags #InThisTogether and #MayTheFourthBeWithYou, along with stock images of smiling children waving American flags.

Citizens reacted in a barrage of online comments and letters to the editor by basically saying "Seriously? So tell the old guys to stay home if they're that freaked out. You're destroying the country."

One anonymous commenter, claiming to be a former city employee, stated the cancellation was just another cov-enient excuse to dump a money pit of an event by blaming it on COVID-19.

The city also announced there would be no fireworks show on the water this year, citing health concerns. As a result, revised tax codes have been imposed on Indian reservation fireworks stands, pending an expected massive increase of bottle rocket sales and subsequent forest fires.

Vocal minority anti-socialist group Ban Hammer criticized the move, stating that by cancelling the celebration of the greatest country in the world granting individual liberties never before seen in history, the oppression of state-controlled coronavirus has won.

The group responded with their own reactive kneejerk hashtags #DependenceDay and #MayTheFourthBeWithoutYou using a series of visual memes featuring V for Vendetta screenshots of Guy Fawkes masks, prompting vigilante retribution.

Ban Hammer suggested the city should also "go ahead and cancel Thanksgiving and Christmas while they're at it", as both holidays also "cause people to congregate mindlessly in  herds, grazing and spending loads of cash on stupid crap they don't need."

The city stated they are exploring alternatives to Independence Day, including one option to merge it in with the International Women's March in January. The event boasts a parade through city streets that has proven to be so unpopular it would permit social distancing to take place on its own accord.

Local Stylist OK With No Haircuts

BEYOND HOPE, ID - Local hairstylist Alotta Sangria revealed last Tuesday that she's "actually okay with" the continued closure of salons and barbershops in Michigan, where state officials have enlisted law enforcement officers to educate the public on the danger of getting and receiving haircuts.

Despite empathizing with the draconian measures and economic devastation being waged against fellow barbers, Sangria noted the lack of haircutting services has improved the handsomeness and physical appeal of some men, including Sangria's boyfriend, Jim Nauseum.

Nauseum was temporarily transferred to Marquette, Michigan last February for an undisclosed work assignment just prior to the COVID-19 outbreak. As an outsider, and unable to locate any speakeasy barbers in the area, he has not had a haircut in nearly three months.

Sangria notes she and Nauseum have engaged in nightly Zoom sessions "just to talk" while he's been away. It was only after about six weeks into the shutdown that she noticed how sexy he looked with a fuller head of hair. Nauseum has remarked that he looks "shaggy" and has threatened to run electric clippers through it, but Sangria convinced him to go natural and let it grow.

"He's always looked good, let's be honest," said Sangria. "But seeing him with longer hair really whipped my hormones into a frenzy and intensified my attraction toward him. It's so thick and healthy looking, I wish I could run my hands through it 24/7."

Sangria's salon in Hope, Sip'n 'Clip, offers a complimentary glass of wine with all beauty services. To celebrate Idaho's victory in the coronavirus battle, Sangria is running an ad campaign of internet shorts with the new theme song "Kung Flu Fighting" performed by the Wu Flu Klan. The salon is offering temporary specials on a Covid Curl (perm), Color-rona (dye job), and Color me Covid manicures.

Ice Cream Samples Banned

"No way!"

'Totally Bogus', Says Spicoli

SANDPOINT, ID - Local ice cream parlor Stoned Cones recently instituted a new sample-free policy, citing concerns over the spread of coronavirus on tiny single-use spoons used for samples. The business previously had an unlimited sample policy, allowing customers to try over twenty flavors before making a final purchase decision.

The business owners stated on social media that the decision was made solely due to coronavirus, and so they could do their part to embrace the new normal.

Local teen Madison Sweeney, who worked at the shoppe as a soda jerk after school for six months, said she supports the management's decision to ban samples, saying "It was, like, annoying and stuff."

Sweeney said the problem goes deeper than blaming it on corona, and recalls a number of overweight female patrons requesting a sample, then saying they "liked it but didn't love it" before moving on to a different flavor. Most of the patrons, after sampling a volume equivalent to an actual scoop, would then leave without making a purchase.

Customers have had mixed reactions over the new policy. Area man Jeff Spicoli was disappointed after his request for a taste of the shoppe's newest flavor, CB & D, was declined.

"I was, like, no way, man!" stated Spicoli. "All I wanted was a baby hit of some tasty buds. It was totally bogus."

Area Home Builder Parachutes Into Lake

7B WIRE - Police responded to a call last Tuesday of reports that a man with a cowboy hat had been seen soaring over rooftops clinging to a blue tarp. The unnamed man was later seen trudging from the shore of Lake Pend Oreille, soaking wet and shouting angrily at passersby.

A cursory review of shaky iPhone video footage posted on social media revealed that the man had been working on a roof during a wind storm. He was preparing to nail down a cheap tarpaulin for a roof cover in lieu of professional-grade tar paper when a strong gust set the tarp aflight, carrying the man with it.

Alcohol may have been involved.

Area residents shared comments such as "What the f*ck is he doing?" and "Stoned much?" on the Facebook post, which garnered several hundred comments and went viral.

Numerous women came forward, stating they recognized his hat and that it should serve as a warning beacon to all single women in the tri-county area.

"If you see that hat comin' to pick you up for a date, RUN!" commented user TruckrGal. "He's a lyin' lush, take my word."

Evidently, several reports have been filed against the unknown man during the past three months, accusing him of being a nuisance contractor whose work disturbs the peace after hours, squatting rent-free in a construction site, and frequently polluting the neighborhood with whiffs of marijuana-scented smoke.

'Best Year Ever', Say Nerdy Seniors

SANDPOINT, ID - Local youths Gilbert Lowell and Lewis Skolnick are crediting COVID-19 for making 2020 their best high school year ever. Both young men claim that their final two months in the public education system have been their most productive educationally, as well as socially. The teens have been using their extra free time not wasted by sitting in a classroom to prepare for their freshman experience at Adams College this fall.

“These last few months I've learned more than I have since fifth grade. My high school teachers always discouraged my planned senior project on nuclear fission reactors, saying that if they couldn’t understand it then no one else would," states Lowell. "They had me repeat my third grade project instead, the one about painting rainbows and racially integrating Sandpoint for more diversity. Now without their guidance, I was able to complete my reactor plans and earned an internship with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission for the summer!”

“Without having to attend high school, Gilbert and myself no longer have to endure the wrath of the jocks," said Skolnick. "No more being stuffed in garbage cans or dunked in toilets. Sure, losing prom was a big deal I guess. I had a girl I was going to ask to go, and if she turned me down then Gilbert and I were going to go together. If this lockdown continues, we might even avoid wedgies at graduation!”

Both young men are looking forward to moving on to college. They hope to find more tolerance for smart kids and less harassment from the jocks. Both expect a marked uptick in dating opportunities as plan are unveiled for the new Nambla Nambla Nambla (Tri-Nam) fraternity that they have chartered at Adams College.

County Proposes Solution to Housing Crisis

7B WIRE - As Bonner County continues trending toward becoming a playground for the wealthy, and Sandpoint toward an overpriced retirement haven for liberal California cash-outs, rapid growth has resulted in scarce and expensive housing.

Most of the local youth population will be unable to afford to buy a house here, given the lower than average wages and the higher than average cost of property, and will leave. Currently, the limited number of luxury rentals remain financially unviable for the average worker, like teachers and baristas, leaving a sizeable portion of renters to drift from one flophouse to another in an underground wave known as the Bonner Boogie. In one instance, a self-employed homebuilder found himself unable to afford his own home and instead took refuge in a friend's empty tack shed.

To help resolve what may develop into a problematic disparity within the next decade, local advisory board think tank Real Income for Citizens Housing (RICH) has been busy developing some novel solutions.

Proposals include designing county "communal housing projects", operating as work-release internment camps allowing the poorer native population and workers on a budget a place to stay, possibly behind a landfill where they would be less obvious. The projects would offer affordable housing for the indigent, like teachers, and would guarantee a steady pool of workers and service personnel for future wealthy landowners. The rural locations would keep the working class out of sight during prime dining and socializing hours.

Another option on the table involves busing in workers from Spokane, running a shuttle service from the downtown 7-11 on Division to the Sandpoint Conoco. This would benefit local homeowners as they could have maids and gardeners on demand, and traveling workers could enjoy the two-hour commutes by relaxing or catching up on sleep from the two to three full-time jobs needed to survive.

1-800-CALL-MEXICO

A third proposal suggested by RICH, though proving to be somewhat controversial, recommends that the county consider retroactive eugenics. Manual labor can and always will be imported from Mexico and Guatemala, where those workers already understand their place in society and don’t mind living off site. With the undesirable native citizenry eliminated,  wealthy landowners can better enjoy all the amenities that Bonner County has to offer. The move would also introduce more diversity for the community, and give children the opportunity to learn Spanish from their new nannies.

Opinion: Schools. Do We Even Need Them?

By Droppings Contributor Karen Hysteria

As a parent of two gifted children. I have to ask the question we are all asking during this uncertain time: do we even need schools anymore?

Official numbers report that the odds hover at a staggering 0.0005% that a child might contract and be killed by the silent monster of coronavirus. With two gifted children, I know I can't take that risk. Thankfully our local school district has chosen to close its doors for the safety of all our children. If it saves just one life, it will have been worth it. For the children.

The closure, however, raises a common question: who is going to watch our children during the upcoming summer months? Us? Parents rely on the schools to feed and take care of their children for nine months of the year, and normally we just have to deal with our kids for two months in the summer and two weeks around the holidays. By the time summer starts, I will have already entertained my children for three months! That will be half the year by Labor Day!

Because of the stay at home orders, parents are now feeling the full effects of having to deal with their own children for extended periods of time. I hear some saying they would have put their kids up for adoption if they had known parenting was going to be this hard. Even though my kids are gifted, I don’t appreciate the extra burden the new policies have placed on me. We pay taxes and vote for the levies so these heroes, the teachers – martyrs, even – can do this thankless job for us. Now, not so much.

My son, gifted in honors math, recently met with his teacher for their weekly three-minute Zoom session. It sure looked to me like Mr. Mackay was out fishing, and not in his home office working on creative ways to challenge my child and keep him occupied for several hours.

Local school districts have been trying for the last decade to get a supplemental levy passed for the purpose of upgrading and building new school facilities, but with this new normal the facilities won't be needed, so no more levies. With distance learning, the district doesn't need brick and mortar schools anymore, just a laptop for every teacher, and can eliminate expenditures on school buses and drivers, custodial staff, sports teams, and all extra-curricular activities. The district is saving money, as in not spending a dime, on supplies, fuel, food, and utilities, yet has also seen an increase in federal funding now that 100% of all registered students are assumed to be "in class" while at home sheltering in place in front of the TV.

I heard that all the remaining teachers and district administration just got hazard pay raises and bonuses, but meanwhile I'm managing at least ten timeouts every day and threatening spankings just so I can evenly space out my sangria spritzes.

Of course we all know that a strict attendance policy, with time spent in school in front of an engaging and knowledgeable teacher is the true key to student success. Hello, Mr. Mackay? Now it's like the schools are just compiling lists of internet sites to forward to students where they can learn about math and stuff. My daughter, who is gifted, used to be in the accelerated English class at school, but the most writing she's had to do lately was write thank-you notes to her grandparents for Christmas presents from the last few years and a three-page essay on the importance and value of her English teacher.

Despite having missed all this class time, schools will still be advancing all students to stay home and keep enrollment numbers high. We are sooo sincerely grateful for the leadership that our schools have provided during this national emergency, and for demonstrating their true value to the community by doing virtually nothing.

Now pour me another glass before I frickin' lose it!

Ads & Stuff

Local Company Revolutionizes Custom Home Exterior Options

NAPLES, ID - Upstart house wrap manufacturer That's A Wrap!, based in Naples, Idaho, is looking to revolutionize the home building industry with their newest product, ArtTarp™. The material combines protective exterior house wrap with traditional siding patterns, as well as fashionable paint and stain colors, and allows builders and homeowners to skip the exterior siding process and cost during home building.

When asked for the inspiration behind the innovative new product, That's A Wrap’s founder and CEO, Jethrow Joad, stated “Most of my neighbors always seem to cover their new construction in Tyvex® or tar paper to keep the weather out, then get used to it and never get around to actually putting siding up. That's when it hit me: why not make an affordable product that looks like siding after it’s stapled on?”

The concept is similar to durable laminate flooring printed to look like wood, and electric heaters designed to look like a traditional fireplace, featuring a digital image of burning logs and the sound effects of a crackling fire.

ArtTarp's test market print run will offer a collection of fashionable styles, including "Rustic Log Cabin", "Aged Greek Stucco", and "Camouflage Chic", as well as standard ship lap or tongue and groove siding. Additionally, the customer can specify almost any paint or stain-like color to enhance their home's curb appeal. Unlike other building wraps, That's A Wrap's logo will not be prominently displayed on the material, creating the illusion of genuine siding.

“Our product allows for cost-effectiveness and the ability to rapidly change the aesthetic look and feel of your home based on design trends or just on a whim," states Joad. "Make it look like a log cabin now, and a year from now, after a rebinge watch of Game of Thrones, staple on a medieval Anglo-Saxon castle block look, complete with moss, climbing ivy, and cannonball craters."

"Repainting is as simple as stapling on a new layer," Joad added. "We even have a frayed blue tarp design, for those that want to maintain the existing look of their home.”

ArtTarp can be found on the internet and at fine dollar stores across the tri-county area, and comes with a thirty day no-money-back guarantee.

Brain Teezer: Naples vs Naples

Naples vs Naples

How many can you get right?

Naples, Florida:

• Known for high-end shopping and golf courses.
• Flanked by miles of ocean beaches with fine white “sugar” sand
• Recommended Dining: Truluck's Seafood, Steak & Crab House
• Number of Millionaires: Over 12,000, or 9.1% of the population
• Number of Registered Yachts: 6,012
• Number of Jews: Over 28,000, or 25.8% of the population
• Most famous resident: Too many to list, including Judge Judy and Bob Seger
• Most famous recent visitor: Too many to list, including Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Naples, Idaho:

• Known for trees and government-sanctioned murder
• Flanked with scads of plywood shanties half-wrapped in Tyvex and frayed blue tarp
• Recommended Dining: None
• Number of Hunnerdaires: Maybe one, as reported by Urban Legend Mythbusters
• Number of Stolen Rowboats: 293
• Number of Jews: Don't have none
• Most famous resident: Randy Weaver
• Most famous recent visitor: Lon Horiuchi

Campaign Born in Clark Fork

Billy Ray Inman, Clark Fork father

CLARK FORK, ID - This Father’s Day, the state's new "Wrap It Up" campaign, co-sponsored by Papa Jeb's Pizza, was launched in Clark Fork. The public service campaign is being marketed to show all men of breeding age in Clark Fork that, like a large pizza, they too can feed a family of four.

The campaign intends to help teach Clark Fork fathers the art of responsibility and the high cost of raising children. The program is being coordinated with the state’s "Break the Mold" campaign, which aims to discourage young women from getting pregnant before their senior year in high school.

In a public statement, Papa Jeb's stated “With the double dose of newfound wealth in coronavirus stimulus checks and generous unemployment benefits, we wanted to make a difference in the Clark Fork community. Everyone understands that beer, booze, brothels and meth are all fun, but sometimes family has to come first. Especially at dinner.”

Papa Jeb's is proud to offer free delivery to the Clark Fork area for the rest of the year with a special two-for-one pizza promotion. Large pies are on sale for $19.99, or two for $50, and come with a free box of condoms for dessert.

Special Report: Goose Droppings

 

Operation Final Solution

'Save The Honkers', Says Rescue Group
7B WIRE - As the silent monster of coronavirus wages war on the world, our own community is left to fight its own waterfront battle. The struggle began in earnest some four years ago after at least one anonymous comment left on travel website TripComplainer stated the conditions at a popular North Idaho beach were "beyond dirty and fowl lol", causing the visitor to remark "I'm never going back to that crappy beach lol".

The shoreline, home to Canadian geese since the Missoula floods formed Lake Pend Oreille over 10,000 years ago, has come under fire during the past decade as tourism to the area has skyrocketed. In anticipation of a tourist-fueled economy, city planners thirty years ago laid out a three-acre grass lawn at the beach, not realizing that it would quickly become a smorgasbord landmark for migrating waterfowl. The geese continue to, and always will, be attracted to the lush green grass, their primary food source, and as a result litter the park with their droppings.

Current city leaders reacted with a four stage retaliation plan, dubbed Operation Final Solution. Initial attempts to fend off the feathered foe included posting "Do not feed the geese" signs and decoy attack coyotes. The latter attempt was declared an expensive failure after geese were routinely seen perched atop the coyotes, who subsequently had their tails cropped into mohawks by student vandals prior to being stolen overnight by an unscrupulous profiteer. The decoys were later spotted at a flea market in Wallace, Idaho.

After a series of stupid and costly ideas, the city council voted on the most ineffective method of removal to date: genocide. Despite public outcry, the geese continue to be rounded up by the mayor's henchmen, bagged & tagged, and transported by rail car to an undisclosed location in a neighboring township for purported "rehabilitation".

Local passive activist group Save The Honkers formed to help spread awareness by dropping reactionary hashtags all over community message boards, including #GooseLivesMatter and #Gooseschwitz2020. The group has accused the city of spearheading wildlife death camps.

"The solution is actually stupid simple," states group member James Littlebird. "You let a couple retrievers out to play at the beach, they scare off the birds, and the dogs get free head pats from kids. Triple win. No more geese, only two dog turds a day, and you're golden."

City leaders responded in a public statement that the method would be taken under consideration if funding was available for a discovery committee research study, estimated to cost upwards of $100,000 and take place at the Pink Flamingo Resort and Spa in Hawaii, where native waterfowl could be observed in their natural habitat.

City Mulls Turfing Beach Park

SANDPOINT, ID - With construction slated to install artificial turf on a local sports field, the city is now exploring options for a massive overhaul of City Beach. Despite facing extreme opposition from the public, the city accepted the sole design/single bid option presented at last year’s all expenses paid junket to Rio de Janeiro, sponsored by PseudoTurf® Inc. Sources within the planning committee have confirmed that the corporation has been actively lobbying the city, and have scheduled to present their latest proposal at an upcoming junket to Tahiti.

PseudoTurf will be flying local leaders and committee members to the Blue Daiquiri Resort in Mbulagong later this summer, where an interactive slideshow presentation will be given detailing a single option for the landscape redesign of City Beach.

Although unconfirmed, it's rumored that the proposal will include replacing over three acres of grass, plus the sand pits and parking asphalt, with durable artifical turf formulated to match the natural colors as closely as possible. The parking lot will be covered with speckled black turf and reflective white and safety orange directional stripes.

A representative from PseudoTurf was quoted as saying that replacing the grass with turf will help to eliminate nuisance geese nesting in the park, will avoid itchy swimsuits and sand stuck in shoes, and prevent the need to pave the lot and repaint parking stripes.

The city has stressed that being flown first class and staying in a $700 dollar a night resort would in no way influence the committee’s choice on the single option to be presented.

Local Youth Work to Enhance the City Beach Coyotes

7B WIRE - A local youth club, Safe Sands (SS), is lobbying to return the decoy coyotes to city beach. The SS feel that the decoy coyotes are integral to keeping the undesirable Geese and other avians that desecrate city beach away with their mere presence. The SS has therefore made its mission the return and upgrading of the decoy coyotes in order that they be more fearful to these invading avian hordes.

The SS plan to restore the tails to all the decoy coyotes, and enhance the tails with colored hair dye. The SS also plan to make the bodies of the decoy coyotes more visible by the application of glitter. Glitter is often used to attract attention to performers in certain private dance clubs and feature films. Discount Stripper Warehouse has agreed to donate fifty pounds of glitter for the SS to use at its discretion.

Bitch, Moan

City Separating Families

Dear Editor,

City Leaders are separating families that openly defy Operation Final Solution. Many expectant parents were rounded up last year, permanently tagged with a yellow star leg band, and loaded onto trains, banished from the city for life. However, in an act of brazen and open defiance to our Leaders’ commands, these parents have returned to their former homes at City Beach to birth and raise their children, as their ancestors have for thousands of years.

The City Leaders have vowed to retain the purity of the community, and are now in the process of rounding up these mongrel families. These previously branded parents are to be taken to the Gooscwhitz facility where they will be removed from the City property for all eternity. The children of these impure creatures will be branded with the leg band yellow star, loaded onto trains, and removed to an undisclosed lake in central Idaho, with instructions to stay in their new ghetto and never return to the city.

The City will also be conducting a “Scared Straight” program, where some of these children will get to view their parents as they enter the Gooscwhitz delousing station, for the very last time. They will then be taken to the Wang’s All You can Eat Buffet to view the evening’s cuisine, before they are deported via train. The City’s Leaders claim that this will virtue signal the City’s intentions to remain pure and free of any undesirable families.

Larry "Mad Dog" Fury
Sagle


Anyone Home?

It has come to my attention that you are, in fact, a species of retards, idiots, and morons, blindly led by a small group of deranged imbeciles powered by greed and evil.

Never before have I been able to sit back and enjoy so much nonstop entertainment from you people. From bickering over who gets to bring his gun where, to $6M artificial turf wars, to how to handle the seemingly unconquerable challenge of dealing with bird shit in a park.

Keep it up, my former fellow earthlings. The show is great from out here! And when I've had enough of you, I just change the channel.

George Carlin
Long Gone

Local Dog Fails At Retrieving

Totally adorable, knows it

SAGLE, ID - A Bonner County golden retriever, known formally as Bud, has apparently gotten through his entire life on looks and personality. For the past twelve years, his only skill is demonstrating the ability to find food and attention from any and all humans that he comes in contact with. Despite being a papered retriever, no retrieving skills have ever been performed.

His feeder/belly rubber reports “Budro has never once grasped the concept of tennis ball. We tried religiously to get him to play fetch his first two years, but gave it up as hopeless. If you throw a ball for him, he'll look at you like ‘Hey, your ball is getting away, you going to go get that or what?’ When he sees other dogs chase balls, Bud-Bud will look at them as if to say ‘Quit bringing it back, he's just going to throw it far away again’.”

Bud was reportedly taken to City Beach where he was turned loose in an effort to rid the beach of aggressive waterfowl. Upon release, Bud looked at the geese and promptly laid down in the grass for a twenty-minute nap.

“Why do I keep him around?” continued his feeder. “Well, because Budacious can always find food. Always. In the event of a global apocalypse, Budopotamus will find it, guaranteed. He also attracts adoring praise from everyone we pass every time we go for a walk.”

As of press time, Bud was spotted coming out of the lake near the loading dock where he approached a strange family, stood dripping on their beach blanket, peed on the corner of it, and ate a sandwich out of their picnic basket. The man of the family responded by rubbing Bud’s head, saying “Who’s the hungry dog?”, and giving him half a bag of taco chips.

Wordsearch: 21 Goose Salute