7B WIRE - It was a day like any other during a national pandemic when Sally Cummins, 50, entered the express checkout lane at an area supermarket with only one shopper ahead of her. According to Cummins, the shopper, a disabled senior citizen wearing a face mask and riding a motorized scooter, was seen fishing through his wallet and pulled out a twenty dollar bill, handing it to the clerk in a move that indicated the end of the transaction. Cummins stood waiting, noting that after "a full minute" had passed the man was again digging into his wallet, where he produced a five dollar bill.
"This was when I knew I was going to be stuck for a while," explained the teacher. "I figured he was just a time vampire. Then, after watching him intently for a minute, a lightbulb went off and the analogies began clicking. He was the novel virus, but in the form of an annoying old man."
Cummins stated it was then that her imagination ran wild, and went on to describe the scene six feet in front of her with chilling perception.
"The clerk made a simple request, repeating the total amount again, which the man obliged while muttering incomprehensible replies and fumbling in slow motion, much like governmental response in coordinating emergency aid for its citizens, or basically at any time at all," said Cummins. "The back and forth continued, with each motion of expected 'progress' degrading the situation further until it seemed as though there was no end in sight, also in stride with the government's power play rulings and draconian measures in response to a novel virus that is, for 99.2% of the population, nothing more than a case of the yucks for a few days."
Cummins said the man stalled and wasted time as he continued to slowly pull individual bills from his wallet until he hit the amount due. He then spilled a handful of change onto the ground, instructing a subordinate to pick it up for him, scratched and rubbed his face around and underneath his PPE, asked to exchange a worn one dollar bill for one without a crease in it, and requested two dollars worth of dimes.
"It was a hair-raising example of keeping those around him occupied and detained while he flexed his managerial muscle, wearing us all down over a whole lot of nothing. Sort of like the agenda-based journalism and fear mongering we see propagated by government-sponsored media nowadays," stated Cummins wearily. "The man finally propelled his scooter forward and we all let out a sigh of relief, but it wasn't over yet."
Witnesses say the man brought his vehicle to a rapid halt and loudly requested hand sanitizer, causing two workers to run off in search of a bottle. Upon return a minute later, a dab was squirted into the man's hand, which he made a show of by demonstratively rubbing his hands together, mumbling something about "dirty money". Witnesses confirmed that the man then rode out the front door on his scooter and was not seen again.
Cummins purchase was then completed in under one minute. She said she walked out of the store expecting to see the man rolling around the handicapped parking area, but instead saw an employee riding an empty scooter back inside to be recharged.
"It was a blatant cut and run, a sham, a test of people's will. You know, just like the government shutdown of life as we know it, resetting the game as perhaps an exercise to see how the players, the people, react," said Cummins. "Or, maybe we just got punked by a fake cripple who wanted to waste everyone's time."
Thursday, May 14, 2020
No New Cases, None At All
7B WIRE - Local newspaper Bonner Buzz reported last week, for the twenty-eighth day in a row, no new cases of the novel coronavirus. Nada, zip, not a one.
The reprieve was welcomed after an initial four cases beleaguered and overwhelmed the local hospital, forcing patients to quarantine outside in pop-up canvas tents.
Eight grams of ink and twelve reams of paper have been used to keep the public informed of absolutely nothing.
The reprieve was welcomed after an initial four cases beleaguered and overwhelmed the local hospital, forcing patients to quarantine outside in pop-up canvas tents.
Eight grams of ink and twelve reams of paper have been used to keep the public informed of absolutely nothing.
Klassified Korner - May 16, 2020
For rent: Luxury Storage Shed. Live like a country king in this cozy cabin-like plywood box. Rustic and charming. Only $1200/month. Call Stan at 555-2020.
1989 Ford F150 Diesel Hybrid. Runs good. Rolls coal, sweet mudflaps, three tier gun rack, comes with Confederate flag. Call Cody at 555-2020.
Massages by CBD. Private, discreet, relaxing. I can help you unwind and release your true energy within. Guaranteed satisfaction! Call Cinnamon at 555-2020.
Now Hiring! COVID-19 Social Distance Enforcement Officers. Full training and defensive riot gear offered. Aggressive friendliness required. Apply on Facebook.
Full of beans! Pinto, kidney, garbanzo, black. 20 cases. Hoarded last month at start of pandemic, moving, no room. Make offer! Call Larry Fury at 555-2020.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Viral Outbreak Hits Home
Brought to you by
'Corona To Blame', Officials Warn
 |
| Shoppers joyful about doing their part |
The sudden rash of cases has been pre-emptively linked to a large crowd of shoppers instructed to stand outside in the rain awaiting their turn for safe passage into stores, bravely doing their part to help fight the spread of coronavirus.
Big box mass merchandise building supply store Home Slice and rural fashion emporium Slick 40, also putting forth the effort to do their part by enforcing social distancing within their stores, recently instituted a safety policy allowing only one shopper at a time for each 1,287 square feet of floor space, or the exchange of one to three persons through the doorways every fourteen to sixteen minutes. The new policy promotes the popular "In & out in 15" buzzphrase and is designed for the safety of both workers and shoppers.
Both businesses became overwhelmed on April 20 as local homeowners arrived to purchase merchandise but were faced with the new entry restrictions. The throng of customers soon caused long lines stretching into the parking lot, with waiting times upwards of one hour in some cases, giving the novel virus ample time to spread.
Local experts believe a combination of unfavorable weather conditions and enforced herding of persons within a contained area caused the new outbreak. The communicable illness has been determined to be viral in nature, causing pneumonic inflammation of the lungs leading to rapid death in over 82% of patients. Many of the victims were young children there with their parents, as well as senior citizens and several Mexican nationals. An image of a man in a wheelchair sitting out in the rain in front of Home Slice was widely circulated on social media channels.
The tri-county area has not reported any deaths due to the coronavirus pandemic, during which a total of three patients have been diagnosed and released to recover at home with herbal tea and chicken soup, giving them time to ponder the pending collapse of the economy and subsequent dependence on the government for day-to-day needs.
Home Slice recently gained public sympathies and an uptick in retail sales after kicking off a series of impactful radio spots during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Airing inspiring messages such as "we're here for you" and "we have what you need" in a soft-spoken male voice with a slightly detectable speech impediment, accompanied by uplifting piano music played in C sharp, the announcements initially evoked warm feelings of compassion, as reported by listeners nationwide who flocked to the mega-mart in support.
"My eyes rained when I heard their ad," wrote Dottie Doolittle, a retired housewife from Blanchard, on her Facebook page only days before the new pandemic swept across the county. "It made me feel like they really care about me, like I matter, so I headed over and bought three gallons of paint, a 24-pack of lightbulbs, and a contractor pack of galvanized nails even though I don't need any right now. I'll probably use them someday. #HomesliceCares"
Doolittle was unfortunately the region's first pneumonitis victim and succumbed to her illness within forty-eight hours of being exposed, turning blue as she choked on her own phlegm and broke several ribs from coughing so hard. Witnesses report her selfless dedication in letting elderly people cut ahead of her in line, and playing pat-a-cake with several young children who had grown impatient over waiting outside, their spirits chilled by the downpour.
Both companies have already come under fire by independent social justice watchdog thinktank group Grey Matter Matters, who state Home Slice reportedly paid $2.2 million for the coronavirus radio spots and now plan to run a second multi-million dollar campaign announcing how they plan to do their part to fight pneumonia by handing out blankets, umbrellas, hot cider, hot dogs, and donuts to customers waiting outside in the rain to fight coronavirus.
A third campaign is reportedly planned to air a few months after things return to normal to remind the public how Home Slice did their part during the tragic crises and to offer absolutely no financial incentive or moral imperative to shop at their store.
Cinco de Mayo 2020 Sponsored by Corona
 |
| Social distancing, like a boss. |
The brand recently came under fire after a consumer poll revealed that 78% of Americans stated they had stopped buying Corona because they associated the name with the coronavirus.
Sensing an opportunity of name recognition to combat sluggish sales during the Corona [virus] pandemic, Corona [beer] wishes to remind drinkers that while similar in name, the two Coronas have substantially different characteristics.
Statistics show that Corona [virus] typically results in an uptick of toilet paper sales, widespread unemployment, bad home haircuts, and no more eating out at restaurants. Alternatively, Corona [beer] is made with a synthetic, colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid that belongs to the same chemical class as alcohol, resulting in a low-end lager that smells like a dead skunk and has the lingering aftertaste of a dirty paper bag soaked in urine.
The Corona [virus] is a heinous disease with the potential to spread rapidly through groups of 11 to 249 people and make them feel sick enough to wish they were dead. Corona's [beer] presence at social gatherings of any size can also be infectious, but in a good way, and is easily spread amongst partygoers provided the host has enough stock on hand.
The brand states that before Corona [virus], Corona [beer] was known to be the fuel behind a high percentage of date rapes at college house parties. Due to viral social distancing and the abolishment of parties, the number of sexual assaults has plummeted.
Critics of both Coronas state the end result of getting either one is remarkably similar: a temporary bout of asinine antics followed by dry heaves, vomiting, a splitting headache, and vows of "never again". Some say adding a lime wedge helps.
Corona wishes everyone a festive Cinco de Mayo, and also wishes to thank Tecate, Modelo, Pacifico, Cuervo, and Suaza for nominating Corona to be this year’s sponsor. Celebrate this May 5 with a cold case of Corona beer with lime. Or just suck on the lime, it tastes better. ¡Salud, locos!
Farmer Pleased With Coronavirus
COCOLALLA, ID - Area cattleman Naven Johnson is "ecstatic" that the novel coronavirus has invaded North Idaho, according to neighbors who spoke with the man while he was picking up his mail from the mailbox. When asked why, Johnson stated "Before the virus, I had to worry about going to work all the time, you see. But with the virus shutting everything down and me being non-essential, now I get to drive my tractor all day, up 'til it gets dark. If they keep droppin' the gas prices I can even afford to run it at night!”
Johnson was questioned as to why he's using his tractor so much and what he's working on, saying “My wife is also non-essential and stuck at home with me, so if I wasn't on the tractor then I'd have to listen to that—well, what I mean is as long as I’m out here on the machine I can't hear my phone ring and I can move all the downed trees from last month’s storm around. I haven't decided which ones to take to the mill and which ones to cut into firewood, so I just move the timbers around into random piles.”
When queried over his "happy go lucky attitude" during these uncertain times and if he was concerned about catching the disease, Johnson said “Nyope, even though I’m what one might consider to be high risk because I’m older than dirt, I’m on an old country farm in North Idaho. Ain't nothin' out here. Plus I hear I can now file for unemployment, more farm subsidies, and that I’m going to get a bonus check from the government. This corona thing has been a huge win-win for me! I can’t wait to see what they come up with next.”
Johnson was questioned as to why he's using his tractor so much and what he's working on, saying “My wife is also non-essential and stuck at home with me, so if I wasn't on the tractor then I'd have to listen to that—well, what I mean is as long as I’m out here on the machine I can't hear my phone ring and I can move all the downed trees from last month’s storm around. I haven't decided which ones to take to the mill and which ones to cut into firewood, so I just move the timbers around into random piles.”
When queried over his "happy go lucky attitude" during these uncertain times and if he was concerned about catching the disease, Johnson said “Nyope, even though I’m what one might consider to be high risk because I’m older than dirt, I’m on an old country farm in North Idaho. Ain't nothin' out here. Plus I hear I can now file for unemployment, more farm subsidies, and that I’m going to get a bonus check from the government. This corona thing has been a huge win-win for me! I can’t wait to see what they come up with next.”
Restricted Shopping Boosts Immunity, Sales
BLANCHARD, ID - Local merchants instituting newly-conceived distancing requirements of no more than five customers per 1,000 square feet of retail space are reporting upticks in both sales and employment numbers, providing a boost in an economy shattered by the novel coronavirus.
Regional grocer Yokel's, offering more than 35,000 square feet of groceries, noted that by doing their part to fight the spread of COVID-19, the new requirements actually increased the average number of customers in its store, thereby increasing overall sales as well as increasing the likelihood of "herd immunity" by potentially exposing a greater mix of people to the virus.
Prior to the restriction, Yokel's typically averaged between fifty to seventy-five shoppers at any given time, but under the new guidelines that number has risen to anywhere from 150 to the legal limit of 175, many of whom appear to pace the toilet paper aisle repeatedly.
Workers have been hired to monitor and strictly enforce the inbound and outbound flow of customers using handheld click counters, and to upsell Corona beer to customers who have none in their carts upon leaving the store. The positions have stimulated job growth during a time of nearly 40% unemployment, and the city reports sales tax receipts up by over 50%.
Recent reports indicate a number of businesses not complying with the new safety measures and allowing their patrons and workers to roam freely, completely negating any effectiveness of the random restrictions other than giving those in compliance the pride of "doing their part".
It is yet unknown how small boutiques and food carts of under 200 square feet will observe the new restriction, as the new guideline would only permit less than one person in the business at a time.
Also under consideration is how to address conjoined twins: one click or two?
Regional grocer Yokel's, offering more than 35,000 square feet of groceries, noted that by doing their part to fight the spread of COVID-19, the new requirements actually increased the average number of customers in its store, thereby increasing overall sales as well as increasing the likelihood of "herd immunity" by potentially exposing a greater mix of people to the virus.
Prior to the restriction, Yokel's typically averaged between fifty to seventy-five shoppers at any given time, but under the new guidelines that number has risen to anywhere from 150 to the legal limit of 175, many of whom appear to pace the toilet paper aisle repeatedly.
Workers have been hired to monitor and strictly enforce the inbound and outbound flow of customers using handheld click counters, and to upsell Corona beer to customers who have none in their carts upon leaving the store. The positions have stimulated job growth during a time of nearly 40% unemployment, and the city reports sales tax receipts up by over 50%.
Recent reports indicate a number of businesses not complying with the new safety measures and allowing their patrons and workers to roam freely, completely negating any effectiveness of the random restrictions other than giving those in compliance the pride of "doing their part".
It is yet unknown how small boutiques and food carts of under 200 square feet will observe the new restriction, as the new guideline would only permit less than one person in the business at a time.
Also under consideration is how to address conjoined twins: one click or two?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Merry Xmas from the Moose Droppings
May you be blessed with family and friends, the people who love you and those that you love. All the rest is bullshit.
-
SANDPOINT, ID - Outdoor dining just got a little healthier with the addition of the Corn Dog Cart to the downtown food court. Local farmer...
-
EASTPORT, ID - To further celebrate October’s record $2.1 million dollar drug seizure, the local division of the US Border Patrol has deci...
-
Thriving North Idaho business for sale. This unique flea market / auto repair / flophouse is now available for those savvy investors looki...
