Cinco de Mayo 2020 Sponsored by Corona

Social distancing, like a boss.

7B WIRE - Corona Cerveceria, makers of the world's finest Mexican beer has announced this year's full sponsorship of the Cinco de Mayo holiday to ensure the public that its flagship product is in fact safe to drink.

The brand recently came under fire after a consumer poll revealed that 78% of Americans stated they had stopped buying Corona because they associated the name with the coronavirus.

Sensing an opportunity of name recognition to combat sluggish sales during the Corona [virus] pandemic, Corona [beer] wishes to remind drinkers that while similar in name, the two Coronas have substantially different characteristics.

Statistics show that Corona [virus] typically results in an uptick of toilet paper sales, widespread unemployment, bad home haircuts, and no more eating out at restaurants. Alternatively, Corona [beer] is made with a synthetic, colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid that belongs to the same chemical class as alcohol, resulting in a low-end lager that smells like a dead skunk and has the lingering aftertaste of a dirty paper bag soaked in urine.

The Corona [virus] is a heinous disease with the potential to spread rapidly through groups of 11 to 249 people and make them feel sick enough to wish they were dead. Corona's [beer] presence at social gatherings of any size can also be infectious, but in a good way, and is easily spread amongst partygoers provided the host has enough stock on hand.

The brand states that before Corona [virus], Corona [beer] was known to be the fuel behind a high percentage of date rapes at college house parties. Due to viral social distancing and the abolishment of parties, the number of sexual assaults has plummeted.

Critics of both Coronas state the end result of getting either one is remarkably similar: a temporary bout of asinine antics followed by dry heaves, vomiting, a splitting headache, and vows of "never again". Some say adding a lime wedge helps.

Corona wishes everyone a festive Cinco de Mayo, and also wishes to thank Tecate, Modelo, Pacifico, Cuervo, and Suaza for nominating Corona to be this year’s sponsor. Celebrate this May 5 with a cold case of Corona beer with lime. Or just suck on the lime, it tastes better. ¡Salud, locos!