Viral Outbreak Hits Home

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'Corona To Blame', Officials Warn

Shoppers joyful about doing their part

PONDERAY, ID - The community remains devastated after a recent uptick in pneumonia cases resulted in at least eighteen deaths over the weekend. Measures are now underway to educate the public about this novel threat, including updating the current pandemic signage by replacing all usage of the words "coronavirus" or "COVID-19" with "pneumonia".

The sudden rash of cases has been pre-emptively linked to a large crowd of shoppers instructed to stand outside in the rain awaiting their turn for safe passage into stores, bravely doing their part to help fight the spread of coronavirus.

Big box mass merchandise building supply store Home Slice and rural fashion emporium Slick 40, also putting forth the effort to do their part by enforcing social distancing within their stores, recently instituted a safety policy allowing only one shopper at a time for each 1,287 square feet of floor space, or the exchange of one to three persons through the doorways every fourteen to sixteen minutes. The new policy promotes the popular "In & out in 15" buzzphrase and is designed for the safety of both workers and shoppers.

Both businesses became overwhelmed on April 20 as local homeowners arrived to purchase merchandise but were faced with the new entry restrictions. The throng of customers soon caused long lines stretching into the parking lot, with waiting times upwards of one hour in some cases, giving the novel virus ample time to spread.

Local experts believe a combination of unfavorable weather conditions and enforced herding of persons within a contained area caused the new outbreak. The communicable illness has been determined to be viral in nature, causing pneumonic inflammation of the lungs leading to rapid death in over 82% of patients. Many of the victims were young children there with their parents, as well as senior citizens and several Mexican nationals. An image of a man in a wheelchair sitting out in the rain in front of Home Slice was widely circulated on social media channels.

The tri-county area has not reported any deaths due to the coronavirus pandemic, during which a total of three patients have been diagnosed and released to recover at home with herbal tea and chicken soup, giving them time to ponder the pending collapse of the economy and subsequent dependence on the government for day-to-day needs.

Home Slice recently gained public sympathies and an uptick in retail sales after kicking off a series of impactful radio spots during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Airing inspiring messages such as "we're here for you" and "we have what you need" in a soft-spoken male voice with a slightly detectable speech impediment, accompanied by uplifting piano music played in C sharp, the announcements initially evoked warm feelings of compassion, as reported by listeners nationwide who flocked to the mega-mart in support.

"My eyes rained when I heard their ad," wrote Dottie Doolittle, a retired housewife from Blanchard, on her Facebook page only days before the new pandemic swept across the county. "It made me feel like they really care about me, like I matter, so I headed over and bought three gallons of paint, a 24-pack of lightbulbs, and a contractor pack of galvanized nails even though I don't need any right now. I'll probably use them someday. #HomesliceCares"

Doolittle was unfortunately the region's first pneumonitis victim and succumbed to her illness within forty-eight hours of being exposed, turning blue as she choked on her own phlegm and broke several ribs from coughing so hard. Witnesses report her selfless dedication in letting elderly people cut  ahead of her in line, and playing pat-a-cake with several young children who had grown impatient over waiting outside, their spirits chilled by the downpour.

Both companies have already come under fire by independent social justice watchdog thinktank group Grey Matter Matters, who state Home Slice reportedly paid $2.2 million for the coronavirus radio spots and now plan to run a second multi-million dollar campaign announcing how they plan to do their part to fight pneumonia by handing out blankets, umbrellas, hot cider, hot dogs, and donuts to customers waiting outside in the rain to fight coronavirus.

A third campaign is reportedly planned to air a few months after things return to normal to remind the public how Home Slice did their part during the tragic crises and to offer absolutely no financial incentive or moral imperative to shop at their store.