Restricted Shopping Boosts Immunity, Sales

BLANCHARD, ID - Local merchants instituting newly-conceived distancing requirements of no more than five customers per 1,000 square feet of retail space are reporting upticks in both sales and employment numbers, providing a boost in an economy shattered by the novel coronavirus.

Regional grocer Yokel's, offering more than 35,000 square feet of groceries, noted that by doing their part to fight the spread of COVID-19, the new requirements actually increased the average number of customers in its store, thereby increasing overall sales as well as increasing the likelihood of "herd immunity" by potentially exposing a greater mix of people to the virus.

Prior to the restriction, Yokel's typically averaged between fifty to seventy-five shoppers at any given time, but under the new guidelines that number has risen to anywhere from 150 to the legal limit of 175, many of whom appear to pace the toilet paper aisle repeatedly.

Workers have been hired to monitor and strictly enforce the inbound and outbound flow of customers using handheld click counters, and to upsell Corona beer to customers who have none in their carts upon leaving the store. The positions have stimulated job growth during a time of nearly 40% unemployment, and the city reports sales tax receipts up by over 50%.

Recent reports indicate a number of businesses not complying with the new safety measures and allowing their patrons and workers to roam freely, completely negating any effectiveness of the random restrictions other than giving those in compliance the pride of "doing their part".

It is yet unknown how small boutiques and food carts of under 200 square feet will observe the new restriction, as the new guideline would only permit less than one person in the business at a time.
Also under consideration is how to address conjoined twins: one click or two?