Woman Compares Annoying Shopper To Novel Virus

7B WIRE - It was a day like any other during a national pandemic when Sally Cummins, 50, entered the express checkout lane at an area supermarket with only one shopper ahead of her. According to Cummins, the shopper, a disabled senior citizen wearing a face mask and riding a motorized scooter, was seen fishing through his wallet and pulled out a twenty dollar bill, handing it to the clerk in a move that indicated the end of the transaction. Cummins stood waiting, noting that after "a full minute" had passed the man was again digging into his wallet, where he produced a five dollar bill.

"This was when I knew I was going to be stuck for a while," explained the teacher. "I figured he was just a time vampire. Then, after watching him intently for a minute, a lightbulb went off and the analogies began clicking. He was the novel virus, but in the form of an annoying old man."

Cummins stated it was then that her imagination ran wild, and went on to describe the scene six feet in front of her with chilling perception.

"The clerk made a simple request, repeating the total amount again, which the man obliged while muttering incomprehensible replies and fumbling in slow motion, much like governmental response in coordinating emergency aid for its citizens, or basically at any time at all," said Cummins. "The back and forth continued, with each motion of expected 'progress' degrading the situation further until it seemed as though there was no end in sight, also in stride with the government's power play rulings and draconian measures in response to a novel virus that is, for 99.2% of the population, nothing more than a case of the yucks for a few days."

Cummins said the man stalled and wasted time as he continued to slowly pull individual bills from his wallet until he hit the amount due. He then spilled a handful of change onto the ground, instructing a subordinate to pick it up for him, scratched and rubbed his face around and underneath his PPE, asked to exchange a worn one dollar bill for one without a crease in it, and requested two dollars worth of dimes.

"It was a hair-raising example of keeping those around him occupied and detained while he flexed his managerial muscle, wearing us all down over a whole lot of nothing. Sort of like the agenda-based journalism and fear mongering we see propagated by government-sponsored media nowadays," stated Cummins wearily. "The man finally propelled his scooter forward and we all let out a sigh of relief, but it wasn't over yet."

Witnesses say the man brought his vehicle to a rapid halt and loudly requested hand sanitizer, causing two workers to run off in search of a bottle. Upon return a minute later, a dab was squirted into the man's hand, which he made a show of by demonstratively rubbing his hands together, mumbling something about "dirty money". Witnesses confirmed that the man then rode out the front door on his scooter and was not seen again.

Cummins purchase was then completed in under one minute. She said she walked out of the store expecting to see the man rolling around the handicapped parking area, but instead saw an employee riding an empty scooter back inside to be recharged.

"It was a blatant cut and run, a sham, a test of people's will. You know, just like the government shutdown of life as we know it, resetting the game as perhaps an exercise to see how the players, the people, react," said Cummins. "Or, maybe we just got punked by a fake cripple who wanted to waste everyone's time."