Welcome to Lost in the 20s!

SANDPOINT, ID - As the region ushers in a new season of summer fun, the Historical Society has announced a new event to help jumpstart the local economy and give the community's spirit a needed boost. The inaugural Lost in the 20s! festival is slated to take place with various organizations, companies, and entities on hand to help recreate a memorable experience of the coronavirus pandemic that ravaged the region in April of 2020.

The deadly pandemic spread like wildfire at the start of the outbreak, afflicting as many as four people across the county with low-grade fever and sniffles, causing news media to instill fear amongst the local population. The incident shut down the regional economy, shuttering most businesses and sending thousands of families into financial peril.

Take a step back in time as the Idaho Labor Force sponsors the Unemployment Line to Nowhere experience. Attendees will have the chance to stand in line at the booth for hours on end, six feet apart, watching in horror as the computer system malfunctions and loses their data; feign frustration after being told they forgot to fill out form EZ-1040 and will have to come back tomorrow to start over; and, right at the end, react violently after finding out that there are in fact no available jobs.

Building supply emporium Home Slice will be sponsoring a realistic Essential Services booth, where children can experience being told who gets to work and who gets to sit down and stay safe. The work simulation will offer children a chance to engage hands-on in simple construction projects like building birdhouses and gun racks, finger painting “Closed for Covid” door signs, and making pallet and tarp homes after finding they can't pay rent anymore.

Vintage mask stylish during the 20s

Area senior group Stitch & Bitch will re-enact the lost art of sewing face masks by hand using reclaimed scraps of fabric. An educational workshop is planned, using science-based facts and models showing how coronavirus molecules smaller than a ray of light rapidly breach the loose edges of most masks. Volunteers will demonstrate the masks' lack of effectiveness by touching and readjusting their masks 457 times, the typical daily average amongst PPE wearers.

City leaders will be pitching in by demanding that all restaurants and other small businesses close for the festival weekend, only a week after reopening. Downtown streets will be blocked off and once again torn up into large piles of rubble and open sewage pits, just like it was "back in the 20s". Event planners felt that life in April 2020 could not be adequately depicted without an actual wrath of destruction, and the city and local contractors jumped at the opportunity to lend their support.

Lost in the 20s is tentatively scheduled for the weekend of July 4th, for maximum tourist impact.

Special Report: Corona International

'Millions Silenced', Says Ayatollah

7B WIRE - The nation of Iran has been especially hard hit by the novel coronavirus, experiencing thousands of sudden deaths virtually overnight. Death in victims appears to occur rapidly, with the tragic disease being fatal within five minutes of diagnosis. Experts report the Iranian strain also inexplicably causes a hole in the back of each victim’s head.

The Iranian Ministry of Truth and Propaganda issued the following statement: “The Ayatollahs pray for the dead of Iran, all cut down in their prime by this unholy virus. We must remind the people to socially distance and avoid congregating in groups of any size. Take note that the virus appears to infect and kill any and all groups of infidels, particularly those engaging in unnecessary protest demonstrations taking place in our blessed country."

The Iranian government has ordered their extensive network of trained professionals to swiftly treat any individuals suspected of gathering in groups where the coronavirus may have been present in order to keep the death toll steady. Cutting-edge treatments include a high speed lead-based tubular injection to the cranial cavity, severing and/or restricting the cartoid artery, and, in extreme cases, emergency open heart surgery with medical scimitars.

Prior to the coronavirus outbreak, Iran reported a mysterious and complete absence of homosexuals and AIDS within the country, stating "they just don't exist."

The Ayatollahs vow the country will see to all citizens' needs. Anyone with questions or concerns can get them answered by visiting the north district of Tehran near the freshly dug Pits of Doom. Citizens can do their part to help eradicate the disease by staying inside, remaining socially distant, avoiding the evil internet, keeping women subjugated, and giving complete faith and trust to national leaders who have only the best interests of the people at heart.

When asked for a formal statement on the huge increase in Iranian deaths concurring with the sudden decrease in protests throughout the country, the Minster of Truth and Propaganda mournfully shook his head and said “Coronavirus, it’s just horrible. Corona, nothing else to see here.”

'No Cases Here', Says Best Korea

7B WIRE - Dear Leader Kim Jong Un announced Tuesday that the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Best Korea has remained free of the coronavirus even though the rest of the world is under siege by this heinous and novel disease. To date, Best Korea has recorded zero cases of coronavirus, and just as impressive, zero cases of the seasonal flu as well.

Mass inoculation, Pyongyang-style

At a recent press conference, Dear Leader stressed that his paternal care of his nation and the superiority of Best Korean genes have kept the novel coronavirus from even entering the glorious paradise that is Best Korea. Dear Leader also stressed that the rest of the planet’s problems with the horrible, Trump-caused disease were due to the hatred, bigotry, and hostility towards the successful nation of Best Korea.

Leaked security footage of an upset at the conference shows a rogue reporter bravely asking Dear Leader if Best Korea has been actively testing for the coronavirus. The reporter was quickly escorted outside and strapped to a missile that was set to be test fired at the end of the press conference. Dear Leader stated calmly that the reporter needed a higher altitude view of the Glory that is Best Korea, and that the missile was probably the best way to provide it. No other questions were forthcoming and the press conference ended with waves of bowing and thunderous applause.

Flu Vaccine Ignites Ebay Bidding War

7B WIRE - Following last week's release of the highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine, Flu-Be-Gone®, anxious citizens flocked to online auction site eBay where doses of the miracle cure were listed with a starting bid of $500, along with a small reserve of 'Buy It Now' offers priced at only $22,900. Reports state that within one hour the highest re-bid had already exceeded $500,000 and was expected to climb until the auction expires tomorrow.

Jumping ahead of the curve of the oft-reported production time of eighteen months, pharmaceutical giant YouGenics® announced that their genome specialists worked tirelessly around the clock to crack the Wuhan code, fast-forwarding an approval from the FDA to make the life-saving serum available to all Americans.

"This novel virus is a heinous disease," states YouGenics director Dr. Anton Chigurgh. "By releasing this vaccine into the open market we make no preference over who gets dosed, and you stand to win everything. Getting it is like a coin toss. Call it."

Chigurgh's company suggests that the vaccine had already been developed before the current coronavirus outbreak began. It was just a matter of branding it with an appropriate trade name and distributing it where it was needed most at just the right time, for maximum exposure and profit margins. Chigurgh referenced the failure of appetite suppresent drug Ayds®, marketed as a fruit-flavored chewing gum during the 1980s, just as the AIDS epidemic went viral. The company declared bankruptcy.

Skeptics have voiced opposition to the new drug, claiming it serves only a nefarious and profitable purpose. Many have turned to social media to share humorous memes, some featuring cats holding machine guns, renaming the life-saving drug "You-Be-Gone" in bold letters. Some have stated that 'herd immunity' is a process that occurs naturally after healthy people have been exposed to a virus and develop antibodies to fight off new strains until they run their course, and that Tom Hanks' blood is not a miracle serum.

One vocal minority group, Fatten The Curve, has warned repeatedly that human-induced mitigation to "flatten the curve" does absolutely nothing because the virus is still there and re-emergence is inevitable, with potentially worse effects.

The group claims their name is in reference to the true purpose of the new vaccines: to kickstart a new breed of hereditary attributes so the next generation of offspring end up even fatter and stupider than their parents.

Hospitals Prove Worth During Outbreak

7B WIRE - Hospitals nationwide are doing their part during the coronavirus crisis and demonstrating their value to the communities they serve.

Locally in Bonner County, where the pandemic has infected as many as four citizens, healthcare providers have responded by testing patients, hoping the test did not result in a false positive, and sending the infected home to rest, self medicate, and hopefully self quarantine.

Heart attack and stroke victims are being admitted and treated, but only after undergoing a test for COVID-19 and waiting forty-eight hours for the results, sequestered to a tented quarantine area in the south parking lot where they are given a painter's mask to help fend off the virus.

To do their part, the hospital has eliminated all elective surgery, closed four departments, and dismissed all essential workers, adding to the growing unemployment rate. Emergency departments remain fully staffed but under-utilized, as the general public seems to not be getting hurt or sick any more.

A local man seen driving toward the ER was interviewed before he quickly changed his mind and drove off, stating “I think I twisted my ankle. I was gonna go in and get checked out, but then I remembered the flu. Normally I would go to the ER and ask for some Percocet or Oxycontin, but because of the virus I think I’ll just hobble into Super 1 and buy a bag of frozen peas, some limes, and a six-pack of Corona for the pain.”

City Adopts Sister City, Diversity

SANDPOINT, ID - Say hello to our new little sister!

Despite being 8,912 miles away on the other side of the globe, the city has settled on Knifepoint, Liberia, located in west central Africa, to represent our community in the International Friendly Handshake program sponsored in part by the United Nations.

Endorsed by the mayor's office, the city council voted unanimously on Knifepoint, citing its colorful diversity and rich cultural history, as well as the similarity in name. Following the new sisterhood, the mayor visited Knifepoint to get a first-hand look at how the other half lives and to help spearhead the city's new diversity initiative, "Our Town Is Your Town".

In exploring Knifepoint's lively streets and parks, the mayor took note of the low-cost, environmentally-sustainable housing constructed entirely of reclaimed materials like shipping pallets, used munitions crates, and water bottles. Also admired were the convenient self-serve centers of recyclables, strewn across vacant lots dotting each neighborhood and freely available to the community.

The mayor was able to access the internet one evening during his trip, where he posted an update on Facebook announcing that yes, he was still alive and that despite having been mugged four times already, only one was actually at knifepoint.

After the fact-finding trip, the city's new diversity initiative was put into effect immediately. Of critical importance was the closing of all public restrooms in support of the "Our Town Is Your Town" program. Instructional signage now informs users that all restrooms with running water and soap are to be phased out due to a "health concern", and to please defecate in the bushes and wipe their hands in the grass.

Additional literature, available on the city's website, states that by adopting such habits we can win the fight against coronavirus because it pales in comparison to a deadly cholera outbreak.

The city's $4,000 solar-powered Internet of Things trash cans, having proven to be too expensive to operate and maintain, will be dismantled and sent to a smelter where they will be refabricated into useful park benches and picnic tables. Signage will direct residents and visitors to simply dump their trash onto the ground in an effort to provide others the opportunity to take what they need. Anything left will resolve itself either by hungry Canadian geese or by being blown into the lake.

A vocal minority oppose the city's new diversity program, arguing that a large but undisclosed amount of funding was awarded to the local government for instituting the changes, leaked by a deep state source at city hall. The mayor's office did not return our calls on the matter.

A subsequent roundtable community announcement suggested that any opposition to the initiative is "racist" and "hate-based".

Opinion: Supply Chains For Dummies

By Droppings Economist Milton Friedman

Shoppers remain perplexed over the empty shelves now common in supermarkets everywhere. Paper products have been especially hard hit, with their aisles looking like they've been ravaged by a stampeding herd of deranged water buffalo. Everyone seems to ask the same question: “Why don't they just make more?”

As a tutorial to my dear readers and ass-wiping aficionados everywhere, allow me to explain how just-in-time supply chains work. Say a grocer usually orders in two cases of toilet paper per restock shipment, three times per week on average. When shoppers react to a perceived crisis or threat and wipe out an entire aisle of products, the store has to place a restock order, which has to be processed, palletized, and shipped from their distribution facility. An emergency restock order for toilet paper to meet demand would be over thirty cases.

The distribution facility will in turn be wiped clean within a week by every store it serves ordering massive quantities of the same products. The distribution facility will then deplete the regional wholesaler for the same reasons. At this point the supply chain is effectively wiped out all the way back to the manufacturer, who will then have to make a decision as to whether or not to increase capacity and production in order to keep the pipeline flowing freely.

If the manufacturer believes that the herd of buffalo will continue to stampede for the foreseeable future – if dumbassery is perceived to be the new normal – then they can justify the effort and expense of adding in a second shift or constructing new facilities. However, if they believe that the herd simply panic bought, mindlessly and without thinking ahead, then there will soon be a greatly reduced demand for their products as one can only wipe their ass so many times. The manufacturer will then not invest in new production and the supply chain will be slow to restock, with empty shelves lasting for quite some time.

I hope this helps selfish panic hoarders everywhere better understand the modern supply chain and the consumer’s role in it, and remind everyone that mullein, which grows in abundance in the area, makes a superb natural toilet paper.

Bonner Boogie Showcase - May

White Family Wins Awards

Billy Ray Inman, father/grandfather

7B WIRE - Bonner County observed a plethora of celebrations for Mother's Day last weekend.

In Clark Fork, the White family won all three categories in the annual Honor the Maws contest. Ida "Ho" White set the stage for the other wins by claiming this year's Youngest Maw prize. Ida, 15, gave birth last winter to a boy, Jethrow Ray.

The birth catapulted Carrie Ann White, 30, to Youngest Mammaw honors. In turn, Carrie Ann’s mother, Betty Sue White, 44, won the honors for Youngest Double Mammaw. Billy Ray Inman, baby daddy to both Carrie Ann and Ida Ho, made bail in time to bestow a 30-pack of 'Stones at the ceremony.

In Priest Lake, protestors gathered to rebuke the health department's new Break the Mold public service campaign, heavily promoted across the Idaho Panhandle to encourage young women that it's socially acceptable if they aren't engaged and pregnant before the start of their senior year of high school.

A crowd of Mormonite family members, led by patriarch Warren Jeffs, arrived in modest dresses holding signs reading "Future Sandwich Maker" and "I Love Ironing". Jeffs was unavailable for comment, as he was busy eating a sandwich and getting a shoulder rub.

Woman Compares Annoying Shopper To Novel Virus

7B WIRE - It was a day like any other during a national pandemic when Sally Cummins, 50, entered the express checkout lane at an area supermarket with only one shopper ahead of her. According to Cummins, the shopper, a disabled senior citizen wearing a face mask and riding a motorized scooter, was seen fishing through his wallet and pulled out a twenty dollar bill, handing it to the clerk in a move that indicated the end of the transaction. Cummins stood waiting, noting that after "a full minute" had passed the man was again digging into his wallet, where he produced a five dollar bill.

"This was when I knew I was going to be stuck for a while," explained the teacher. "I figured he was just a time vampire. Then, after watching him intently for a minute, a lightbulb went off and the analogies began clicking. He was the novel virus, but in the form of an annoying old man."

Cummins stated it was then that her imagination ran wild, and went on to describe the scene six feet in front of her with chilling perception.

"The clerk made a simple request, repeating the total amount again, which the man obliged while muttering incomprehensible replies and fumbling in slow motion, much like governmental response in coordinating emergency aid for its citizens, or basically at any time at all," said Cummins. "The back and forth continued, with each motion of expected 'progress' degrading the situation further until it seemed as though there was no end in sight, also in stride with the government's power play rulings and draconian measures in response to a novel virus that is, for 99.2% of the population, nothing more than a case of the yucks for a few days."

Cummins said the man stalled and wasted time as he continued to slowly pull individual bills from his wallet until he hit the amount due. He then spilled a handful of change onto the ground, instructing a subordinate to pick it up for him, scratched and rubbed his face around and underneath his PPE, asked to exchange a worn one dollar bill for one without a crease in it, and requested two dollars worth of dimes.

"It was a hair-raising example of keeping those around him occupied and detained while he flexed his managerial muscle, wearing us all down over a whole lot of nothing. Sort of like the agenda-based journalism and fear mongering we see propagated by government-sponsored media nowadays," stated Cummins wearily. "The man finally propelled his scooter forward and we all let out a sigh of relief, but it wasn't over yet."

Witnesses say the man brought his vehicle to a rapid halt and loudly requested hand sanitizer, causing two workers to run off in search of a bottle. Upon return a minute later, a dab was squirted into the man's hand, which he made a show of by demonstratively rubbing his hands together, mumbling something about "dirty money". Witnesses confirmed that the man then rode out the front door on his scooter and was not seen again.

Cummins purchase was then completed in under one minute. She said she walked out of the store expecting to see the man rolling around the handicapped parking area, but instead saw an employee riding an empty scooter back inside to be recharged.

"It was a blatant cut and run, a sham, a test of people's will. You know, just like the government shutdown of life as we know it, resetting the game as perhaps an exercise to see how the players, the people, react," said Cummins. "Or, maybe we just got punked by a fake cripple who wanted to waste everyone's time."

No New Cases, None At All

7B WIRE - Local newspaper Bonner Buzz reported last week, for the twenty-eighth day in a row, no new cases of the novel coronavirus. Nada, zip, not a one.

The reprieve was welcomed after an initial four cases beleaguered and overwhelmed the local hospital, forcing patients to quarantine outside in pop-up canvas tents.

Eight grams of ink and twelve reams of paper have been used to keep the public informed of absolutely nothing.

Klassified Korner - May 16, 2020

 

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For rent: Luxury Storage Shed. Live like a country king in this cozy cabin-like plywood box. Rustic and charming. Only $1200/month. Call Stan at 555-2020.

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1989 Ford F150 Diesel Hybrid. Runs good. Rolls coal, sweet mudflaps, three tier gun rack, comes with Confederate flag. Call Cody at 555-2020.

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Massages by CBD. Private, discreet, relaxing. I can help you unwind and release your true energy within. Guaranteed satisfaction! Call Cinnamon at 555-2020.

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Now Hiring! COVID-19 Social Distance Enforcement Officers. Full training and defensive riot gear offered. Aggressive friendliness required. Apply on Facebook.

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Full of beans! Pinto, kidney, garbanzo, black. 20 cases. Hoarded last month at start of pandemic, moving, no room. Make offer! Call Larry Fury at 555-2020.

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Viral Outbreak Hits Home

Brought to you by

'Corona To Blame', Officials Warn

Shoppers joyful about doing their part

PONDERAY, ID - The community remains devastated after a recent uptick in pneumonia cases resulted in at least eighteen deaths over the weekend. Measures are now underway to educate the public about this novel threat, including updating the current pandemic signage by replacing all usage of the words "coronavirus" or "COVID-19" with "pneumonia".

The sudden rash of cases has been pre-emptively linked to a large crowd of shoppers instructed to stand outside in the rain awaiting their turn for safe passage into stores, bravely doing their part to help fight the spread of coronavirus.

Big box mass merchandise building supply store Home Slice and rural fashion emporium Slick 40, also putting forth the effort to do their part by enforcing social distancing within their stores, recently instituted a safety policy allowing only one shopper at a time for each 1,287 square feet of floor space, or the exchange of one to three persons through the doorways every fourteen to sixteen minutes. The new policy promotes the popular "In & out in 15" buzzphrase and is designed for the safety of both workers and shoppers.

Both businesses became overwhelmed on April 20 as local homeowners arrived to purchase merchandise but were faced with the new entry restrictions. The throng of customers soon caused long lines stretching into the parking lot, with waiting times upwards of one hour in some cases, giving the novel virus ample time to spread.

Local experts believe a combination of unfavorable weather conditions and enforced herding of persons within a contained area caused the new outbreak. The communicable illness has been determined to be viral in nature, causing pneumonic inflammation of the lungs leading to rapid death in over 82% of patients. Many of the victims were young children there with their parents, as well as senior citizens and several Mexican nationals. An image of a man in a wheelchair sitting out in the rain in front of Home Slice was widely circulated on social media channels.

The tri-county area has not reported any deaths due to the coronavirus pandemic, during which a total of three patients have been diagnosed and released to recover at home with herbal tea and chicken soup, giving them time to ponder the pending collapse of the economy and subsequent dependence on the government for day-to-day needs.

Home Slice recently gained public sympathies and an uptick in retail sales after kicking off a series of impactful radio spots during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Airing inspiring messages such as "we're here for you" and "we have what you need" in a soft-spoken male voice with a slightly detectable speech impediment, accompanied by uplifting piano music played in C sharp, the announcements initially evoked warm feelings of compassion, as reported by listeners nationwide who flocked to the mega-mart in support.

"My eyes rained when I heard their ad," wrote Dottie Doolittle, a retired housewife from Blanchard, on her Facebook page only days before the new pandemic swept across the county. "It made me feel like they really care about me, like I matter, so I headed over and bought three gallons of paint, a 24-pack of lightbulbs, and a contractor pack of galvanized nails even though I don't need any right now. I'll probably use them someday. #HomesliceCares"

Doolittle was unfortunately the region's first pneumonitis victim and succumbed to her illness within forty-eight hours of being exposed, turning blue as she choked on her own phlegm and broke several ribs from coughing so hard. Witnesses report her selfless dedication in letting elderly people cut  ahead of her in line, and playing pat-a-cake with several young children who had grown impatient over waiting outside, their spirits chilled by the downpour.

Both companies have already come under fire by independent social justice watchdog thinktank group Grey Matter Matters, who state Home Slice reportedly paid $2.2 million for the coronavirus radio spots and now plan to run a second multi-million dollar campaign announcing how they plan to do their part to fight pneumonia by handing out blankets, umbrellas, hot cider, hot dogs, and donuts to customers waiting outside in the rain to fight coronavirus.

A third campaign is reportedly planned to air a few months after things return to normal to remind the public how Home Slice did their part during the tragic crises and to offer absolutely no financial incentive or moral imperative to shop at their store.

Cinco de Mayo 2020 Sponsored by Corona

Social distancing, like a boss.

7B WIRE - Corona Cerveceria, makers of the world's finest Mexican beer has announced this year's full sponsorship of the Cinco de Mayo holiday to ensure the public that its flagship product is in fact safe to drink.

The brand recently came under fire after a consumer poll revealed that 78% of Americans stated they had stopped buying Corona because they associated the name with the coronavirus.

Sensing an opportunity of name recognition to combat sluggish sales during the Corona [virus] pandemic, Corona [beer] wishes to remind drinkers that while similar in name, the two Coronas have substantially different characteristics.

Statistics show that Corona [virus] typically results in an uptick of toilet paper sales, widespread unemployment, bad home haircuts, and no more eating out at restaurants. Alternatively, Corona [beer] is made with a synthetic, colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid that belongs to the same chemical class as alcohol, resulting in a low-end lager that smells like a dead skunk and has the lingering aftertaste of a dirty paper bag soaked in urine.

The Corona [virus] is a heinous disease with the potential to spread rapidly through groups of 11 to 249 people and make them feel sick enough to wish they were dead. Corona's [beer] presence at social gatherings of any size can also be infectious, but in a good way, and is easily spread amongst partygoers provided the host has enough stock on hand.

The brand states that before Corona [virus], Corona [beer] was known to be the fuel behind a high percentage of date rapes at college house parties. Due to viral social distancing and the abolishment of parties, the number of sexual assaults has plummeted.

Critics of both Coronas state the end result of getting either one is remarkably similar: a temporary bout of asinine antics followed by dry heaves, vomiting, a splitting headache, and vows of "never again". Some say adding a lime wedge helps.

Corona wishes everyone a festive Cinco de Mayo, and also wishes to thank Tecate, Modelo, Pacifico, Cuervo, and Suaza for nominating Corona to be this year’s sponsor. Celebrate this May 5 with a cold case of Corona beer with lime. Or just suck on the lime, it tastes better. ¡Salud, locos!

Farmer Pleased With Coronavirus

COCOLALLA, ID - Area cattleman Naven Johnson is "ecstatic" that the novel coronavirus has invaded North Idaho, according to neighbors who spoke with the man while he was picking up his mail from the mailbox. When asked why, Johnson stated "Before the virus, I had to worry about going to work all the time, you see. But with the virus shutting everything down and me being non-essential, now I get to drive my tractor all day, up 'til it gets dark. If they keep droppin' the gas prices I can even afford to run it at night!”

Johnson was questioned as to why he's using his tractor so much and what he's working on, saying “My wife is also non-essential and stuck at home with me, so if I wasn't on the tractor then I'd have to listen to that—well, what I mean is as long as I’m out here on the machine I can't hear my phone ring and I can move all the downed trees from last month’s storm around. I haven't decided which ones to take to the mill and which ones to cut into firewood, so I just move the timbers around into random piles.”

When queried over his "happy go lucky attitude" during these uncertain times and if he was concerned about catching the disease, Johnson said “Nyope, even though I’m what one might consider to be high risk because I’m older than dirt, I’m on an old country farm in North Idaho. Ain't nothin' out here. Plus I hear I can now file for unemployment, more farm subsidies, and that I’m going to get a bonus check from the government. This corona thing has been a huge win-win for me! I can’t wait to see what they come up with next.”

Restricted Shopping Boosts Immunity, Sales

BLANCHARD, ID - Local merchants instituting newly-conceived distancing requirements of no more than five customers per 1,000 square feet of retail space are reporting upticks in both sales and employment numbers, providing a boost in an economy shattered by the novel coronavirus.

Regional grocer Yokel's, offering more than 35,000 square feet of groceries, noted that by doing their part to fight the spread of COVID-19, the new requirements actually increased the average number of customers in its store, thereby increasing overall sales as well as increasing the likelihood of "herd immunity" by potentially exposing a greater mix of people to the virus.

Prior to the restriction, Yokel's typically averaged between fifty to seventy-five shoppers at any given time, but under the new guidelines that number has risen to anywhere from 150 to the legal limit of 175, many of whom appear to pace the toilet paper aisle repeatedly.

Workers have been hired to monitor and strictly enforce the inbound and outbound flow of customers using handheld click counters, and to upsell Corona beer to customers who have none in their carts upon leaving the store. The positions have stimulated job growth during a time of nearly 40% unemployment, and the city reports sales tax receipts up by over 50%.

Recent reports indicate a number of businesses not complying with the new safety measures and allowing their patrons and workers to roam freely, completely negating any effectiveness of the random restrictions other than giving those in compliance the pride of "doing their part".

It is yet unknown how small boutiques and food carts of under 200 square feet will observe the new restriction, as the new guideline would only permit less than one person in the business at a time.
Also under consideration is how to address conjoined twins: one click or two?

Now Hiring! COVID-19 Social Distance Enforcement Officers

Moose On The Street: How are you Celebrating this Cinco de Mayo?

"Gonna have me a pitcher of red beer, a pitcher of green beer, and one of those clear white beers to make like I'm drinkin' the colors of the Messican flag." Otis Inman, Town Drunk

"Taking an el nappo." Jesus Contreras, Honduran immigrant

“I ain't doin' a damn thing for those river rats. I can hold out for the real celebratin' days for real Americans, like St. Patrick's, Boxing Day, and Oktoberfest.” Butch Estrada-Villalobos, lightweight arena fighter

"When is it? I might do a public spirit dance to express the energy and connection we share with the heritage of those people."  Moon Child, 45-year-old trust fund baby

"Post some, like, Latino pride social justice minority memes on my CrapChat so, like, everyone knows I have awareness." Madison Sweeney, SHS student

"I’m calling Immigration on every illegal I see migrating up to the hops fields in Bonners, if I don't shoot 'em first." Homer, retired 93-year-old border patrol agent

Special Report: Corona International

'Covidiots Rampant', Says Mexico

7B WIRE - Over the past six weeks, Mexico has experienced a rapid surge in illnesses during the coronavirus pandemic, leaving officials looking for answers. Experts are still trying to calculate the effects of the sudden rampage, with statistics still coming in from outlaying beachfront resorts. Confirmed at this point is that those affected by the disease in Mexico have been primarily in the eighteen to twenty-four age group. Further baffling Mexican health officials, all of the reported cases were American travelers.

“Apparently spring break was cancelled in the United States, so all the college kids came down here to party,” said Jesus Gomez, a groundskeeper at Playa del Orgy in Cancun. “These damn gringos are partying like it’s the end of the world or something, drinking Corona like it’s going out of style. I’ve never had to run so many of these morons to the hospital for the sickness, or clean up so many messes as I have this year.”

Gomez states that his countrymen have termed the spring breakers as "Covidiots", in reference to the competing global outbreak of coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19.

Mexican Corona differs from the coronavirus with the following symptoms: loss of memory, extreme nausea, vomiting, pounding headaches, an uncontrollable urge to urinate, and unintended consequences caused by making poor decisions. Persons should be aware they probably have fallen victim to the Mexican strain following an immediate taste sensation like something has defecated in their mouth.

“These lazy Americans are invading our country, probably all illegally. They fill up our hotels, packed twelve and more to a room like dirty cucarachas to save money. All they do is lay around all day by the pool, eating tacos and having sex. Every year there are more, they multiply," Jesus said. "Then when they get bit by the Corona, someone has to take them to the hospital, where they take up space in our over-burdened health care system. We need a fence on the border and strict entry visas, before these pale-skinned parasites take over our nation.”

Opinion: East Coast Elitists Attempt to Educate Backwoods Idahoans on Viral Danger

By Droppings Contributor Dick Denker

On April 8th, the New York Times ran an article detailing the tragic results of the coronavirus as it swept a rampagous path through North Idaho, and the response from certain local leaders and outlying constitutional cravers. The article attempted to Identify North Idaho as inhabited by crazed hillbillies who blatantly disregard the certain peril they face from the virus, and their callous disregard for the lives of their friends and neighbors as well.

A photo of Bonner General Hospital’s unused and unneeded COVID-19 triage tents, with a purposefully strolling healthcare professional (hero) garbed up in a lab coat and a mask, led the article. What the Times failed to note was that the worker was on his mid-morning break, heading back from one of the tents where he had reheated his lunch and snuck in a cocktail after having played solitaire to pass the time as he literally has nothing to do all day.

Following this gripping report were pictures of a vacant city beach and empty playground equipment, closed to area youth. There was a no mention of North Idaho's weather in early April, that it had snowed the day before, and that no one really uses the beach when it’s forty degrees outside and raining.

Although listed as being reported from Sandpoint, the article started off detailing a Boise rally (because Boise = Idaho) being held by that stalwart of rational discourse, Ammon Bundy. Apparently the Times can’t read a map or pinpoint the distance between Boise and Sandpoint. Nor do they realize that Bundy, who doesn’t even live in Idaho, doesn’t speak for all of us, and further gives no concession toward a rational person wanting to question the data of the coronavirus and governmental response to save us all from this "heinous disease".

The Times also alluded to the high infection rate in Blaine county, home of Sun Valley resort. You know, the place 400 miles from Sandpoint, the place where all the rich and famous fly in and out of for the skiing and winter socializing? They managed to tie that right back to North Idaho, without mentioning the horror of our actual four confirmed cases, all of whom are recovering at home with Domino's pizza, light beer (Corona, no doubt. Salud!), and Gilligan’s Island reruns.

Our town would like to respectfully disagree with the obvious bias shown by the Times coverage of our little slice of paradise, and point out the obvious bigotry that they show for our citizens and state. At the same time, we would also like to thank them for perpetrating the inbred hillbilly stereotype of our citizenry (even without mentioning the scary black rifles we all tote around), as we hope it will keep the more enlightened out of North Idaho. Hopefully these pillars of elitist idealism will pick a different place for their retirement safe spaces, allowing our community to make its own decisions on its well being without their influence or moral superiority being interjected.

Might we suggest a new city slogan? Sandpoint: We’ve had enough of you, Corona.

The Ultimate Corona Prepper Survival Guide

1. Toilet paper. Don't hunker down without it. Keep a one year supply in stock: Men, three rolls; women, 365 rolls.
2.  Cabbage and beans. Both have a ridiculously long shelf life, plus the added benefit of producing trench warfare-like gas clouds to keep intruders at bay.
3. Plenty of boxed wine. When stacked twelve high and three deep, these sturdy boxes provide robust fortification to any pantry.
4. More booze. Several cases of a light, easy-to-drink beer such as Corona, Corona Lite, or Corona XX Lite.
5. More is merrier. Every time you pick something up at the store, buy six more. Those eight-
6. Power. Remember the Rawlesian mantra of 'Two is one and one is none' when it comes to the life-saving power of a generator. Buy four. That way if one breaks or is stolen by marauding home invaders you've still got three, which, if you do the math, is like having one. Keep fuel on hand: the half gallon you have left over for the lawnmower should be plenty. 
7. Work animals. Pit bulls, peacocks, hungry pigs, aggressive waterfowl, and a pond of pirahnas all look good as well as provide security and garbage disposal for your retreat.
8. Water. A relaxing hot tub now could one day be 300 gallons of safe drinking water for your family after the grid goes down.
9. Just in case. Plan ahead with a supply of Depends and Ensure in case the end of the world lasts forever.
10. Ammo. If all else falls, this is all you really need. One bullet will get the job done.

Reader Ads - May 5, 2020

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For sale: 8,000 face masks. Bought too many. BNIB, made in China. Make offer. Call Larry Fury at 555-2020.

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For sale: New toilet paper. You didn't think I'd sell it used, did ya? Bought too many. Call Larry Fury at 555-2020.

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