Flu Vaccine Ignites Ebay Bidding War

7B WIRE - Following last week's release of the highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine, Flu-Be-Gone®, anxious citizens flocked to online auction site eBay where doses of the miracle cure were listed with a starting bid of $500, along with a small reserve of 'Buy It Now' offers priced at only $22,900. Reports state that within one hour the highest re-bid had already exceeded $500,000 and was expected to climb until the auction expires tomorrow.

Jumping ahead of the curve of the oft-reported production time of eighteen months, pharmaceutical giant YouGenics® announced that their genome specialists worked tirelessly around the clock to crack the Wuhan code, fast-forwarding an approval from the FDA to make the life-saving serum available to all Americans.

"This novel virus is a heinous disease," states YouGenics director Dr. Anton Chigurgh. "By releasing this vaccine into the open market we make no preference over who gets dosed, and you stand to win everything. Getting it is like a coin toss. Call it."

Chigurgh's company suggests that the vaccine had already been developed before the current coronavirus outbreak began. It was just a matter of branding it with an appropriate trade name and distributing it where it was needed most at just the right time, for maximum exposure and profit margins. Chigurgh referenced the failure of appetite suppresent drug Ayds®, marketed as a fruit-flavored chewing gum during the 1980s, just as the AIDS epidemic went viral. The company declared bankruptcy.

Skeptics have voiced opposition to the new drug, claiming it serves only a nefarious and profitable purpose. Many have turned to social media to share humorous memes, some featuring cats holding machine guns, renaming the life-saving drug "You-Be-Gone" in bold letters. Some have stated that 'herd immunity' is a process that occurs naturally after healthy people have been exposed to a virus and develop antibodies to fight off new strains until they run their course, and that Tom Hanks' blood is not a miracle serum.

One vocal minority group, Fatten The Curve, has warned repeatedly that human-induced mitigation to "flatten the curve" does absolutely nothing because the virus is still there and re-emergence is inevitable, with potentially worse effects.

The group claims their name is in reference to the true purpose of the new vaccines: to kickstart a new breed of hereditary attributes so the next generation of offspring end up even fatter and stupider than their parents.