City Adopts Sister City, Diversity

SANDPOINT, ID - Say hello to our new little sister!

Despite being 8,912 miles away on the other side of the globe, the city has settled on Knifepoint, Liberia, located in west central Africa, to represent our community in the International Friendly Handshake program sponsored in part by the United Nations.

Endorsed by the mayor's office, the city council voted unanimously on Knifepoint, citing its colorful diversity and rich cultural history, as well as the similarity in name. Following the new sisterhood, the mayor visited Knifepoint to get a first-hand look at how the other half lives and to help spearhead the city's new diversity initiative, "Our Town Is Your Town".

In exploring Knifepoint's lively streets and parks, the mayor took note of the low-cost, environmentally-sustainable housing constructed entirely of reclaimed materials like shipping pallets, used munitions crates, and water bottles. Also admired were the convenient self-serve centers of recyclables, strewn across vacant lots dotting each neighborhood and freely available to the community.

The mayor was able to access the internet one evening during his trip, where he posted an update on Facebook announcing that yes, he was still alive and that despite having been mugged four times already, only one was actually at knifepoint.

After the fact-finding trip, the city's new diversity initiative was put into effect immediately. Of critical importance was the closing of all public restrooms in support of the "Our Town Is Your Town" program. Instructional signage now informs users that all restrooms with running water and soap are to be phased out due to a "health concern", and to please defecate in the bushes and wipe their hands in the grass.

Additional literature, available on the city's website, states that by adopting such habits we can win the fight against coronavirus because it pales in comparison to a deadly cholera outbreak.

The city's $4,000 solar-powered Internet of Things trash cans, having proven to be too expensive to operate and maintain, will be dismantled and sent to a smelter where they will be refabricated into useful park benches and picnic tables. Signage will direct residents and visitors to simply dump their trash onto the ground in an effort to provide others the opportunity to take what they need. Anything left will resolve itself either by hungry Canadian geese or by being blown into the lake.

A vocal minority oppose the city's new diversity program, arguing that a large but undisclosed amount of funding was awarded to the local government for instituting the changes, leaked by a deep state source at city hall. The mayor's office did not return our calls on the matter.

A subsequent roundtable community announcement suggested that any opposition to the initiative is "racist" and "hate-based".