7B WIRE - The nation of Iran has been especially hard hit by the novel coronavirus, experiencing thousands of sudden deaths virtually overnight. Death in victims appears to occur rapidly, with the tragic disease being fatal within five minutes of diagnosis. Experts report the Iranian strain also inexplicably causes a hole in the back of each victim’s head.
The Iranian Ministry of Truth and Propaganda issued the following statement: “The Ayatollahs pray for the dead of Iran, all cut down in their prime by this unholy virus. We must remind the people to socially distance and avoid congregating in groups of any size. Take note that the virus appears to infect and kill any and all groups of infidels, particularly those engaging in unnecessary protest demonstrations taking place in our blessed country."
The Iranian government has ordered their extensive network of trained professionals to swiftly treat any individuals suspected of gathering in groups where the coronavirus may have been present in order to keep the death toll steady. Cutting-edge treatments include a high speed lead-based tubular injection to the cranial cavity, severing and/or restricting the cartoid artery, and, in extreme cases, emergency open heart surgery with medical scimitars.
Prior to the coronavirus outbreak, Iran reported a mysterious and complete absence of homosexuals and AIDS within the country, stating "they just don't exist."
The Ayatollahs vow the country will see to all citizens' needs. Anyone with questions or concerns can get them answered by visiting the north district of Tehran near the freshly dug Pits of Doom. Citizens can do their part to help eradicate the disease by staying inside, remaining socially distant, avoiding the evil internet, keeping women subjugated, and giving complete faith and trust to national leaders who have only the best interests of the people at heart.
When asked for a formal statement on the huge increase in Iranian deaths concurring with the sudden decrease in protests throughout the country, the Minster of Truth and Propaganda mournfully shook his head and said “Coronavirus, it’s just horrible. Corona, nothing else to see here.”
'No Cases Here', Says Best Korea
7B WIRE - Dear Leader Kim Jong Un announced Tuesday that the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Best Korea has remained free of the coronavirus even though the rest of the world is under siege by this heinous and novel disease. To date, Best Korea has recorded zero cases of coronavirus, and just as impressive, zero cases of the seasonal flu as well.
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| Mass inoculation, Pyongyang-style |
At a recent press conference, Dear Leader stressed that his paternal care of his nation and the superiority of Best Korean genes have kept the novel coronavirus from even entering the glorious paradise that is Best Korea. Dear Leader also stressed that the rest of the planet’s problems with the horrible, Trump-caused disease were due to the hatred, bigotry, and hostility towards the successful nation of Best Korea.
Leaked security footage of an upset at the conference shows a rogue reporter bravely asking Dear Leader if Best Korea has been actively testing for the coronavirus. The reporter was quickly escorted outside and strapped to a missile that was set to be test fired at the end of the press conference. Dear Leader stated calmly that the reporter needed a higher altitude view of the Glory that is Best Korea, and that the missile was probably the best way to provide it. No other questions were forthcoming and the press conference ended with waves of bowing and thunderous applause.
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